Come to think of it ... I really DO hate my life.

We have several things that we could/should sell on Ebay. We've already sold a lot and there's more.

Robin is not the type of person you nag to do something. We've talked about the items and she said she'd handle it.

It's been weeks.

I just very nonchalantly said, "Hey! Why don't you make us some extra money tomorrow?"

Her response? "OK! I'll put a sign on the front porch - 'Crip inside. Legs open. Door's unlocked'."

Another Glamorous Weekend!!!!

I should be happy I even had a weekend.  Was "on call" yesterday and wasn't needed.

Weekend started Friday night.  Boxed fish sticks for dinner. 

Shall I go on?

Yesterday I woke up in an awful mood and decided that I hate my life.  By noon, PMS had turned into that time of the month and I was fine.  I think I made Robin cry a little, I was so awful.  Afterward I reminded her that I am usually an unbeat positive person, a pure delight, if you will, so if I have a couple hours of psychosis once a month, then so be it.

Sundays have turned into a big day in La Casa de Hellmandez Frasierioso.  The newspaper comes out with allll the coupons and sales for the week.  We got dressed and drove down to her store to do the deed.  Deed meaning pay for one paper and taking two.  Or four.  Then we go in the store and make chit chat with the girls.  The paper(s) is (are) sitting on the dining room table now waiting for her to attack them.  I went to sneak a peak and she caught me and screamed, "Don't mess them up!!"  Jeeez Laweeez.  I considered totally messing them up but Robin is kind of vulnerable right now, so I didn't want to push her over the edge.  Besides, having the coupons and sales all to herself tomorrow will be the highlight of her day.  Until I walk through the door after work, that is.

Speaking of work, I have been pretty much exactly on the money since I've been assigned to thin ice.    Delores, I swear to GOD, high fived me the other day, she was so proud. 

After we got our paper(s), we had to go to the store and get cat food.  BOGO with a good coupon.  Nice!
Then the angels sang and the sky opened up.....pasta $1.  We had coupons for $1.  FREE PASTA!!!  Robin wet her pants a little.  Then I wet my pants a little.  Bordon's cheese 2/$4.  We had $1 coupons, making all Bordon's cheese $1.  Success!!!

'Twas absolutely beautiful out today.  Mid 60's and sunny.  In Miami, I had a Sunday afternoon ritual, which was to float in the pool and have two or three beers.  Just having a chair and not having a pool, I now have  to improvise.  I put on my tank top and shorts, grabbed a Heiney, chained Bodi up to the thing so she can't jump the fence, got all the other dogs situated and began to relax in the sun.  Felt good.  The dogs all went to the back corner and barked and waited for the neighbor to bring them treats.  How embarrasing.  Robin hobbled out and sat near me with her pink casted leg elevated on the walker.  We looked like white trash for sure.  I had promised Brady that I'd play fetch with him, but I couldn't find his ball.  Would up using an empty beer can. 

Now I'm gonna go put up my Valentine's Day tree and vittle up some pasta and cheese.

We really tore it up last night!!!!

A big part of the reason we wound up in North Carolina rather than north Florida (where my peeps are) is because Iris and Joe had a friend who was very well connected with the writing field up here. When we were getting ready to move, Iris had coordinated an interview/meeting for this man and me.


Then his health took a turn for the worst. He recently passed away.

In the meantime, I have been told by someone that my writing reminds her of David Sedaris. I hold this person's opinions in the highest regard and that has stuck with me. Out of the clear blue sky yesterday, Robin told me that I really should get one of David Sedaris' books and maybe that would inspire me. I agreed.

(This is kinda choppy, but keep reading.)

The man who recently died had a care giver at the end who is one of our good friends. He had recently lost his wife and son and left behind an estranged niece. The lawyer who handled his affairs at the end has a bitch on wheels wife. We think she has robbed the estate blind. Lots of antiques and jewelry are missing. And who knows what else. The lawyer's wife asked our friend to clean the house and bring her the important papers. Our friend told her she knew where all the papers were, in the Louis Vuitton satchel. The lawyer's wife lit up and she said to her husband, "Louis Vuitton satchel?! I never saw a Louis Vuitton satchel!!! Did you ever see a Louis Vuittin satchel?"

Our friend stopped by our house last night on her way to deliver the Louis Vuitton satchel filled with the paperwork. Robin and I tried to convince her that the satchel should not go to the attorney's wife. If anything, it should go to the niece, who arrives today. Better yet, she (our friend) should keep it. The bitchy wife has stolen enough and it's just not right. Our friend refused. Said she already told the wife about it and she is waiting for it.

Then I got an idea.

I accidently took, I mean dropped, the papers out of it. Then it accidently fell to the floor. Then my good boy, I mean ill behaved, Brady had some of the best raw hide he's ever had!!!!!

THEN...

After we stopped laughing and praising Brady...

I blew dry the dog slobber and went to put the papers back. There was a little yellow sticky in the bottom of the bag and I pulled it out to look at it.

It said "David Sedaris".

Goose friggen bumps then and goose friggen bumps as I type.

BTW - I updated my query letter to include my blog and sent off a different chapter yesterday to a few potential agents. In the midst of all of the above, I got the friendliest rejection letter yet. She said she took a peek at my "very funny" blog, then unfortunately blah blah blah. I was flattered nonetheless.

It's a Wonderful Life.

I took Robin to the doctor yesterday for her follow up appointment.  It was supposed to have been last week, but we were snowed in.  We anticipated it being no big deal, just x-rays and a "See you in two weeks".

Wrong.

Because she was in so much pain when she was first casted, the nurse wasn't able to manipulate her foot into the proper position to cast it.  So they had to do that yesterday and it hurt like hell.  I held her hand and then asked the doctor to xray my hand, she squeezed it so tightly.  He ignored me.  Then I asked for at least some good drugs.  Ignored again.  They removed the cast and her leg looked like that of an ape.  Robin asked why it was black.  I informed her it was hair.  The nurse laughed and Robin called her an ass.

She was recasted, first in green, then in pink.  I asked the nurse to make it pink and green stripes.  Got a blank stare.  I wasn't kidding.

She's in a lot of pain today and I was supposed to go to work.  She begged me to stay home with her.  I'm not much of a caller inner, but at this point, I don't really care.  I'm having "issues" at work and am basically on thin ice.  On thin ice at my glamorous cashiering job.  I forgot to give someone their $10 back when they wrote a check and since this was the second time, I'm in trouble.  (Reminder:  I did the same thing right before Thanksgiving and when the lady returned to the store to get her money, she was mugged and beaten to a pulp.)  Nothing like feeling like a dumbass at a crapass job.  Last week I was a wreck - felt humiliated, idiotic, and like a complete loser.  This week I think of it in terms of my life being a dark comedy.

Nothing like being a middle aged college graduate in fear of being fired from a GD grocery store.

Something's gotta give.

The good news is I've lost almost 20 pounds.  And we have discovered couponing and are saving tons of money on groceries.  There's more to it than just clipping them out of the paper.  Have learned a lot from the couponing customers.   Was proud to have spent $78 yesterday and have saved $96.  That's nothing compared to the lady last week who bought $120 worth of groceries for $9.25.

Bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk...bawk bawk bawk bawk

As you know, I am on a chicken kick. Just made THE BEST chicken salad EVER.

INGREDIENTS:

(I never measure anything, so I'll estimate.)

1.5 cooked chicken breasts, diced
1 hard boiled egg
4-5 pieces of crunchy bacon (I always use the one in the green package, 40% less fat)
1/4 - 1/2 cup Craisins, chopped
3/4 - 1 cup mayo (I use the Hellmans with the light blue top - think it's reduced fat or light)
Red pepper flakes to taste (I use a lot)

It was really good, if I do say so myself.

Analyze this!

Robin tells me I talked in my sleep last night as she was trying to fall asleep.

Me:  "Is it good?"

Her:  "Is what good?"

Me:  "The plate of ketchup I made for you."

Her:  "Yes, Kim, it's very good."

Me (yelling):  "HAVE MORE!!  HAVE MORE KETCHUP!"

What on earth could that possibly mean?  I could see if it was chicken related due to all the chicken dishes I made yesterday. 

A few months ago, again while I was asleep and she was dozing off, I was told I screamed, "WHERE IS IT?  WHERE'S MY GD 5 CHEESE PIZZA?"

Snowed in!

We've had about 8 inches and it's still snowing.  Predictions indicate it will continue through tomorrow.  I don't work until Wednesday and I think they'll have to come get me.

And, yes.  That's a picture of Maxx, my step-dog.  You won't see too many pictures of Maxx around here because, quite frankly, we do not get along.  But he does look cute hopping through the snow.   

HT had boneless/skinless chicken breasts on sale, buy one, get TWO free.  I kept meaning to get some, but by the end of my shifts this past week, I was too tired to buy them.  They are, afterall, all the way back in the meat department.  Plus, I knew that the sale will continue through tomorrow.  The store has been  horrendously busy due the weather forecast toward the end of last week and over the weekend.  I got lots of extra hours in, which is good.  BTW - I have found the secret to successful weight loss without trying.  It's called getting a job at Harris Teeter.  Officially down 16 pounds as of today.

I had worked eight hour days four days in a row (exhausting) and looked forward to my five hour day yesterday, 4:00 - 9:00.  Got up and Robin wanted to get out of the house.  Went out for breakfast, then went to get our own supplies at Harris Teeter.  Got there around 11.  I warned Robin that we'd have to linger around til noon so I could get some wine for the snow storm.  It's amazing this state even allows the sale of beer and wine at all on Sunday.  The liquor stores are closed.  Strike that.  The liquor store is closed.

We strolled up and down the isles and it was 11:45.  15 minutes to go.  One of the managers (I like every single person I work with - it's so odd) saw me and said, "Hey!  We just tried calling you."

I asked why.

Her: "Aren't you supposed to work today?"

Me:  "Yeah.  4 til 9."

And we kept walking.  Well.  I walked.  Robin drove.

I was picking up stuff and looking at it and Robin, not very nicely, said, "Uh?  Doncha think you should check about your schedule?"

Me:  "I guess, but I know I work 4-9."

Checked with another manager at the front desk.  Sure enough.  Was supposed to be there at 11:00.  Made apologies for going senile, raced home and was back there at 12:00.  I felt flustered all day.

That means I couldn't get my wine.  Until later.  Then it fell out of my car when I got home and broke in the driveway.  Yay for me.

Speaking of yay for me.  Iris has called her at least ten times today.  Take that back.  Robin and Iris have talked on the phone at least ten times today.  Robin does her share of the calling.  The conversation is always the same.  The caller always says, "It's snowing again!!!"  The person called says, "I know it!!  I can't believe it!!!  It's so beautiful!"

Then Iris always has to say, "If you girls get cold, turn up the heat."

What would we do without Iris? 

Back to the chicken.  I did get six packages.  Froze three and have used one and a half today - made chicken fingers and chicken and spinach quesadillas for a late lunch.  Gonna do something with the other one and a half package because chances are, we'll lose power.  Did I mention Robin hates chicken?  She tolerates dark meat and white meat with skin, but she hates boneless/skinless.  Oh well.  She shoulda thought about stocking up on stuff she likes before she broke her leg. 

In between chicken dishes, I tried and tired to get on some coupon websites.  The internet has been on and off all day, so I gave up out of frustration.  I'm going to get so into that.  I felt great spending $50 and saving $60 yesterday, think how I'll feel when I save like the pros! 

As I type this, my Ipod is on.  I've had to change every other song because it upset me in one way or another.  First, "You Are My Sunshine" came on and I had to change it cuz that was Bailey's (my beautiful deceased chocolate lab)  favorite song and I sang it to her as she died in my arms.  Then "Empire State of Mind" came on and I had to change it because the thought going to NYC (which I really wanted to do...pre-poverty) seems like a pipe dream now.  And then "Proud" ("The Biggest Loser" theme song) came on.  We all know why I had to skip that one.

I have a new thing.  I take a piece of paper with my name and number on it to work with me and put it in my pocket.  A more sophisticated person would buy business cards.  I have given out about four or five of them to customers for potential jobs.  There's a risk manager lady who seemed very interested.  Maybe there's hope for NYC afterall.  Lots of attorney related things too.  I hope Robin never goes back to her former job.

Guess I've rambled on long enough.  Besides, it's time to feed the heathens.  Buddy has been barking for 24 minutes.  Starts yelling for his dinner at 4:45 every single day.  They may not be well trained, but I sure am.

A good Jew does not mix dairy with meat.

I know this from Iris.  Joe doesn't care.  Iris is a stickler.

We were invited to their house last night for beef stew.  I've had her stew before and I love it.  I offered to pick up some nice bread.  About every third customer buys HT artisan bread, so I knew it had to be good.  While Robin was zooming around the deli department, I asked her what type of bread I should get.  As usual, I got an "I don't care".

So after much (some) deliberation, I chose a pretty three cheese bread.  Got in the car and told Robin what I'd gotten.  She informed me that Iris would not eat it.  Thought to myself, "We'll see about that." 

Got to their house and put the bread on the counter, label side down.  Joe sliced the bread and we all ate it.  Iris said things like, "This bread is yummy."  And "This bread is so good." So on and so on.

After dinner, Iris helped Robin to the bathroom and Joe and I were cleaning up.  They had a berry pie for dessert.  Joe told me that they also had ice cream and he wanted pie a la mode but Iris said no because you can't have anything dairy when you have a meal with meat.  I then showed him the bread label and he cracked up and we high fived each other!!!

This is not the first time I've tricked Iris and I'm sure it won't be the last.  Not only has she had my meatloaf with cheese, she's eaten nonturkey bacon, non Kosher hot dogs and PORK.  She loved it all. 

HEY!!  Now that I think about it, Iris put butter on her bread.  So even if she didn't realize it was cheese bread she was eating, she knowingly ate butter with her beef stew.  Bad Jew, Iris.  Bad bad Jew.

For all of you who enjoy my household tips...

(OK - that would just be you, Mare.)

I have developed a new way to mop.  It's called the "Squirt and Skate".  Or "The White Trash Swiffer".  My people are trying to decide on the name.

What you'll need:

1)  Some type of squirt bottle.   I used an almost empty "Dawn" bottle.
2)  Your favorite cleaning solution.  I used a little "Dawn", some bleach, some "Pine Sol" and water.
3)  A few old towels.
4)  Two good legs.  Counts you out, Robin.
5)  A dirty floor.

Instructions:

1)  Squirt solution on to dirty floor.
2)  Skate over said floor with towels.

Voila!

Be sure to wash those dirty towels by themselves with some bleach.  Fold them up nicely and put them away for next year.  I mean time.  Put them away for next time.

Around the water cooler...

Last night a litle girl (about six years old) came through my line with her father.  She had very bushy eyebrows and a mustache.  I could not take my eyes off her.  It wasn't like the picture above, but she clearly could use some bleach or waxing or whatever ladies do to get rid of a 'stache.  Her father was bald.

So I told the kid working the cashier next to me, "Did you see that little girl?  She had a mustache."  His response?  "That's OK.  I had a couple of lesbians come through my line about an hour ago."

I guess to a hillbilly high school kid lesbians are circus worthy.

Then about an hour later he went on and on about his rodeos.  Told me he was almost killed the night before when he was thrown off whatever it was he was riding and the animal almost stepped on his head.  Said he's been doing rodeos since he was 12 years old.  He told me the national something or other that he's affiliated with.  He was totally bragging about his rodeo-ing.  I asked him if his mother was there the night before when he was almost killed.  He just said yes, then we got busy.  Well, he and I didn't get busy busy.  We both got customers.

A little while later, a woman about my age came through my line buying cookies.  The kid came up to her and asked for some.  She acted like she didn't know him.  Come to find out it was his mother.  I had to ask her, "You must have been terrified last night?"

Her:  "Why?"

Me:  "When Jimmy was thrown off the horse."

Her:  "What horse?"

Me:  "At the rodeo."

Her:  "What are you tallking about?"

Me:  "Jimmy told me he was thrown off the horse at the rodeo last night and it almost stepped on his head."

Her:  "He GOES to the rodeo, but he's not part of the rodeo."

Jimmy came over and caught wind of our conversation.  He turned beet red and tried to back peddle out of it by telling me he didn't say he was part of the rodeo.

Then I second guessed myself and thought maybe I'd misunderstood.  Afterall, he does have a very thick accent.  But then another co-worker came over and asked me about it.  I told him and he said that this kid has done nothing but brag about his rodeo skills since he started working there.  Total liar!!!

That's all I have.

The holidays are officially over. The heathens killed Santa.

We went to Walmart this morning so Robin could compare the drivable carts with those at HT's.  (Walmart's are faster.)  Came home to find a slaughtered Santa.

I took this picture with my small Sony camera that I haven't been able to use lately because I couldn't find my battery charger.  Found it the other day when looking for something else.

When I downloaded this picture, I had to download it with all my other pictures that were on the memory card.  Practically a year's worth.  It is like a movie of my life from the past year.  Pretty cool.  Pictures of Robin, Ingrid, Deb and me on South Beach.  Pictures of my mom, Iris, Robin and me at Mamma Mia.  Pictures of Steph and her boys at our Easter egg hunt.  Pictures of Juno Beach Pier (no pictures of fish that we caught - huh.)  And tons of pictures of allllll the houses we looked at when we first came to NC.  Then the rest are pictures of this house when we first moved in.  Kinda interesting -- to me.  Oh, and I took a bunch of pictures of my hair when I dyed it brown.  Not good.

It got me thinking about all the changes that we went through in 2010.  A lot.  Makes me wonder what the upcoming year's movie will look like. 

Iris and Joe came over last night.  Had a service pick them up from the airport and drop them off here.  They are using Robin's car because Joe always takes the battery out of his car for the winter.  Why he can't put it back in for the two weeks they're gonna be here, I have no idea.  Probably the same reason they're not gonna have TV for the two weeks they're here.  Iris is going to be bored to death.  She's already called here six times today.  We ordered Chinese food (which I hate) and they ohhhed and ahhhed over the Christmas decorations.  Then it took Joe 15 minutes to get the car out of the garage.

Robin's doing better every day.  She wears stuff on her head a lot.  She'll grab whatever's handy.  Hats, bandanas, underwear.  The other day she was wearing MENS' Spider Man underwear on her head.  Our British friend came over.  I wasn't here, but she walked in said the following.  You have to say it with an English accent.

Lisa:  "Are those bloomers on your head.?"

Robin:  "Yes."

Lisa:  "Are they filthy?"

LOL ~~~  I don't know why, but that just cracks me up!  Reminds me of "Absolutely Fabulous".

Speaking of absolutely fabulous, today is my Friday and I'm working half a day (4-9), then I'm off for two days...yippee!!! 

Starting off the new year right...

Poor Robin hasn't been out of the house since Monday.  She is immobile, but in far less pain than she was.  I, on the other hand, have mysteriously developed a rather severe pain in my neck and ass since Monday. 

Having a sense of cabin fever, she insisted on going to the grocery store with me this morning.  Knowing for sure that Harris Teeter has those drivable carts for the old, the fat and the invalid, we went there.  She LOVED it!  She raced up and down the isles, had conversations with other wheelchair bound people, exchanged horror broken bones stories, and pretty much ate every free sample they were giving away.  As I pried her out of there, an old lady came up to her and asked, "Are you Iris' daughter?"  Apparently she's a friend of Iris' and Iris told her about the pink cast.  Small town.

Robin sat on the bench with her walker as I unloaded the groceries.  Then I got in my car and took off!!!  Ha ha ha ~~~ I was cracking myself up!!!  I did go back.  Eventually.  (Reminds me of the times we've been garage saling with my mom and left her.  And when Deb and Ing visited us last year, we left Deb at a convenience store.  At night.  In a not so nice area.)  

In Iris and Joe news, they're coming back today for a funeral next week.  Good timing because I can ship Robin off to them when I have to work.  Bad news is I am spending all day Joe-ifying the house.  He is the most anal retentive person on the planet and I feel like they/he will be doing the white glove treatment.  They'll be here for two weeks, give or take. 

Back to swirling (cleaning).

PS:  Am I too old to like Katy Perry?  I love "Teenage Dream", but I feel kinda pervy liking it so much.