Monday, November 30, 2009

Would ya look at this tree???


Yeah, well. It's not mine. (However, if you look closely, you can see that it's a "Frasier Fir". Wink wink. Not going there.)

Anywho...every year I look forward to my tree. I love it! But at this very second, I am wondering why. It's truly a pain in the ass to get it up and keep it up. (For some reason I am seeing a Viagra commercial in my mind - like a cartoon bubble over my shoulder.) We got the tree on Saturday and I am just now getting around to decorating it. I thought this year was gonna be different. We got it up with little trouble and it was perfect. We had dinner plans Saturday night and we were at the Miami Herald Hunt all day yesterday. The tree withstood dog stares and sniffs and I'm quite sure that friggen Maxx lifted his scrawny little leg on it. But the tree has stood tall.

I have to go to Ivette's (job)tomorrow, so I wanted the tree done tonight. Wanted to do it without bugging Robin, so I attempted to get the bins out of the garage (which, BTW, looks as awful as ever, even though we cleaned it out less then two months ago). A bunch of stuff tipped over, some of which was a box of tools. Made a horrific noise, that Robin had to have heard. I expected her to coming running, "Oh my God! Kim! Are you OK?"

Crickets.

Then on the first attempt of putting the lights on it, the damn thing tipped over. In trying to save the day, I bent back (ouch!) and broke a nail. It's red so I'm gonna drill a tiny little hole in it, put it on a gold ribbon, and give it to my mother as a Christmas present/ornament. May make this a tradition. How cute would that be?

After I screamed, "ROOOBBBIINN", she finally came to my side. We got the tree steady and then she announced (with hand on hip as she judgmentally looked around the room) that she has a "very important" client coming over tomorrow and doesn't want the house to look tacky. WTH?? Felt like saying, "You have the nerve to insinuate that I'm tacky at Christmas when you have little evil monster ass things all over the place all year round?" But I merely responded with an F bomb something or other and carried on.

The tree tipped over tree more times, but (fingers crossed), it's standing at the moment. Lights are on and I may or may not finish the rest of it tonight. Wouldn't want to appear tacky in front of her criminal client tomorrow.

Ahhhhhh. The holidays.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

News Flash!!


I HAVE THE WORST DOGS ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET.

The two pictures I posted today were literally taken an hour apart. First the MFers tore up the dog bed when I was on the treadmill. Then they decided to help themselves to white chili while I was in the shower.

What is it the kids are saying these days? FML? Well F MY L.

Such good babies...


Just making sure Mommy has something to vacuum up.

Aw.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Helloooo Luva


I like to consider myself a clean person. I bathe everyday, brush my snags twice a day, and use an exorbitant amount of deodorant (30 swipes each side - Robin does about two and a half). I love powders and lotions and perfumes. I'll admit, I spend a lot of time in my PJ's, but they're always clean.

But.

Let's face it. I share a small house with five dogs (four of whom weigh over 60 pounds), two cats and an imp with a $25.00 per day nicotine habit (that's $9125.00 per year). I sweep twice a day and Robin sweeps a lot too. She also mops a lot - like every morning at 4:30. There is always a ton of hair and dust and ashes. (Sounds like a rock band from the 60's - "Hair, Dust, & Ashes". ) No matter what. It's out of control. We change our air filter about three times a month.

Until now. Allow me to introduce you to Oreck XL. He's a mighty little muscle full of power and suckage. And he's all mine.

So, if I disappear for a day or two or 47, you'll know where I'll be and who I'll be doing it with.

As for the picture? I was tormenting Baxter. No worries Little Baby Meatball. Oreck XL sucks like crazy, but I'm pretty sure you're safe. Now Maxx on the other hand.....

Thursday, November 12, 2009

I'm so ashamed.


Ask Mommy if she's still mad at me.

Calgon (really I mean Smirnoff) take me away....


Right after I finished cleaning up the kitchen floor (see BLOG below), I did a head count and noticed Bodi was missing. She'd probably jumped the fence to play with Luna next door.

No.

She jumped the fence that backs up to the French swingers. (They're swinging elsewhere these days.) The fence is covered by trees and bushes. Somehow she was able to get over there, but not able to get back. I was in the bushes trying to coach her home while at the same time telling Robin that if I came in to contact with a rat, I was gonna kill her. (Robin, not the rat. I would never kill an animal.)

It was useless. We (Alex and I) had to get in the car and drive to their house. Their gate was locked and we had to finagle it to get it open. Robin had since jumped the fence, too, and had Bodi by her collar.

While walking around their property while they weren't there (a/k/a trespassing), it dawned on me! I was on orgy land! I felt like I nerd girl in "Swingtown", one of the best shows ever. I felt a puckered look on my face, like I had just smelled something God awful, and I do believe I was tiptoeing a little bit. I kept wondering if people had done it here or done it there. Then I saw what appeared to be a condom wrapper. Of course I had to get a closer look. It was some kind of fruity candy wrapper, but I'm sure it was sex related.

We got Bodi home and I rubbed her tummy. I think she must have hurt it a little. That fence was about five feet tall. Alex yelled at me that I should be beating her not massaging her. Oh Alex. Wait until you're a mother.

Ouch!


I cut my finger cutting an onion. Is it me, or does that look like a lot of blood? I'm feeling a little light headed.

Actually, Brady was being his usual nosey self and wanted to see what was on the counter. In the process, he knocked over a gallon of Crystal Light.

Anyone want a yellow lab with pink feet?

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Some things never change...




The top one says something about what I like to do at home - play with my dogs.

The second one says that my favorite color is pink.

The third picture shows the things I'm thankful for - my family (at which time my mom was pregnant - guess I was hoping for a sister, cuz I drew a girl), a book, my bed, food, and pets.

Let's see...I drew this when I was 7. I'm now 44. Not much has changed in the past 37 years.

Secret ingredient?


I have a huge pot of homemade sketti sauce on the stove now. Between crying when cutting the onions and sneezing when drowning the sauce in pepper, you don't want to know my secrets.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Here we go. Again.



I FINALLY have a commitment (somewhat of a commitment, I should say) from some dear dear dear friends to come visit me after the holidays. The timing is finally right. One of them had kids to raise, and recently the other friend took care of her elderly grandparents. I also want Amanda Jean Bradt Harvey Frasier Skotarczak to come.

Just got an email from one of them. "Does this mean I have to start another effing diet?"

One step ahead of her. If they come Feb/March, that's gives me a GOOD three months...

Yada yada yada.....

Sunday, November 8, 2009

UGH.



Woke up half dead today and it's no wonder. Almost everyone I know who I have been around has been sick on and off for the two weeks. Brady was so worried about me after I got up from a two hour nap, he charged me from another room and jumped into my lap. Then he settled in on my lap and kept me warm. Then he kept adjusting himself and his little crazy bony elbows japped me over and over. At any given time, I usually have 10 -12 bruises all over myself from these dogs. They got in a fight the other day which I broke up. I was bitten and didn't even feel it. But it drew blood and I have a bite and a dark black and blue bruise that's about two inches in diameter.

Now I'm gonna go watch The Godfather marathon. Have never seen it but always wanted to.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Before the dog park....


Robin did not want to go. Said something about rather having ice picks stuck in her eyes. Faked a stomach ache. Finally I told her she didn't have to go. "Oh, I'm going".

We finally got there...


Brady was all excited and so was I!. After arguing about her damn cell phone and cigarettes, I convinced Robin that she really could live without both of them for an hour and she left them in the car. Called my friends who lived right around the corner and told them that we were there. They'd be there in ten minutes. We're walking toward the gate and I'm sizing up the other dogs. "Brady is so much better looking", I thought. Thought? No, I knew. There's a girl with a volunteer shirt on and she approaches us. Surely she's gonna compliment Brady about his beauty (boys can be beautiful).

"Can I see his rabies tag?"

Uh oh. Shit. Sue warned me about this and I totally forgot. Have been to plenty a dog park in my day and never had to provide proof of anything.

"You'll have to go to the lady at the table". The lady at the table was very nice and everything, but when it came to letting us in, no can do. Brady and I were devastated. (Too strong. Disappointed. Very disappointed.) Robin was walking quickly toward the car because, afterall, she had been without nicotine for three and a half minutes.

Got in the car and called my friends. They had a spare rabies tag from a kitty gone to heaven and would save the day.

So they show up and we put the tag on Brady. We made it by the people whom we had just told that we live all the way in Miami and it was too far to go home and get his tag. Had they asked, the answer would have been, "Whaddya know! His other collar was in my glove box! Ta ta". But we didn't have to lie. Well, we deceived the system, but...

We get in there and Brady instantly jumps for a ball in a shallow pool. Ouch! Found the deep pools. He jumped prettily in again but this time he couldn't figure how to get himself out. We had to coach him and a man came up to me and told me how quickly his dog got in and out of the pool. Was he insinuating that his dog was smarter than mine? Oh no he dint int!! Then he patronizingly suggested that Brady hang around his dog to learn a thing or two. Just as the mother in me was about to go off, my friend came up to me and said, "Bill! Kim! I see you two have met." The jack ass was my friend's neighbor.

We spent the next hour and a half praising Brady everytime he jumped in and got out. I took pictures. Robin was having fun. Then I noticed a professional photographer who had taken an interest in Brady. She took tons of pictures of him. I was so proud. That's my beautiful boy! Patty Ramsey, mother of Jon Benette, temporarily possessed me and I went up to the photographer and asked if she thought my Brady could have a career in modeling. She basically dismissed me and went on to another dog.

A fight broke out between two dogs. Then a man and a dog. Then a man and a man. We missed it, but the park was abuzz.

After a stop at the concession stand for a "Frosty Paw", we left. Our friends took their dogs home and then met us at a dog friendly restaurant. It was very windy outside. As soon as the food was delivered a little plastic cup full of hot sauce blew straight at me and drenched my chest and left leg. White shorts. Then, my super huge soda blew over and covered my right side. And Brady. But the best part was when the waitress was clearing the table. Half of the discarded food, (salsa, sour cream, guacamole, lettuce - we were at an Irish Pub. Just kidding. Mexican. But you probably knew that) blew in to my purse. I heard the waitress apologizing, but I was engaged in another conversation, so I wasn't really paying attention. When I realized there was food in my purse was right after we got in the car and I reached for my cell phone and came up with a handful of Taco Hell. Robin was like, "Yeah. The waitress did it". Well thank you for getting it out of there. Or at least telling me. Have you ever heard of a napkin?


Then we stopped by the condominium that we manage - 197 units full of old -- let's just say "people". I stayed in the car while Robin ran in to pick up some paperwork. And pee. (Clarification - she didn't pick up pee. She peed.) As she exits the building I see two old "people" call her over. Evidently, there had been a couple of "reDDD CATipillahs by the back dorah. They haDD blacKK striiipes." They needed Robin to do something about them. Wow. Maybe she really had needed her cellphone while in the dog park. Good thing we got there when we did. Red caterpillars by the back door? With a black stripe? I shiver to think what could have been.

Got home and Brady crashed. He's wide awake now and demanding his dinner. They all are. The time change has been hell on them. Who eats dinner at 4:50? Well. Besides the old "people" in our condo? And Robin just fed them. I can stop typing now.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Happy Harve Everyone!!!


I don't like the time between Halloween and the weekend after Thanksgiving. I love my Halloween decorations and love love my Christmas decorations. The month of November is kinda blah as far as decorating. We went to Target today - the fourth time in the last five days - and got some 'tween stuff to hold me over. Got a bamboo pumpkin that looks more fall like than Halloween like and some matching lights for the porch. Very cute.

Also go these little blocks. By the time we put up the lights on the porch, Frick and Frack (Bodi and Brady, in case you can't keep up) had eaten the "S" and the "T".

So, Happy Harve! (pronounced Har-Vay)

BTW - in case you were wondering - Frick and Frack were two Swiss skaters who came to the U.S. in 1937 and joined the original Ice Follies show as comedy ice skaters. "Frick" was Werner Groebli (April 21, 1915 - April 14, 2008), born in Basel. "Frack" was Hansruedi (Hans Rudolf) Mauch, (May 4, 1919 - June 4, 1979), also born in Basel. Frick and Frack were known for skating in Alpine Lederhosen and performing eccentric tricks on ice, including the "cantilever spread-eagle," created by Groebli, and Mauch's "rubber legs," twisting and bending his legs while skating in a spread eagle position. Only a few skaters have successfully performed the duo's routines since.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Once again...


It seems like we ran errands all weekend. I'm not complaining though. I love to run errands. There's nothing quite as satisfying as having a big "to do" list and crossing the tasks off as they're completed. Well, there's lotsa stuff that's as satisfying and even moreso, but it does feel good to accomplish a long list.

Amongst the garage sales, nail appointments and tanning sessions, we went to Target both Saturday and Sunday. Made a special trip on Sunday for a new mop. I got up this morning and the new mop was destroyed. Swept it up quickly before Robin got up (or else I would have taken a picture - so sorry if you're disappointed). I know it was Bodi, but am gonna have to blame Brady. Sorry Brady, you're gonna have to take one for the team. It'll work out perfectly because I left a little bit of the evidence on the floor and Brady is now chewing on it. If I play my cards right, there will be no lying. Robin will just assume it was Brady who chewed up her new mop. Oh the deceit.

The good news is, guess who'll be going to Target for the third day in a row??!!