I love BRAVO TV and Andy Cohen and hoodies.

And I would love to order this MAZEL hoodie.  But for three reasons, I shan't.

1)  Don't like black.

2)  Not exactly in a position to spend $44.95 on a sweat shirt right now.

3)  Based on past experience, even the XXL would be too snug.  Santa gave me a hoodie from the Animal Rescue Site, Triple X, I think, and it's too tight on Robin!!!!

This is what I don't get.  The people who watch BRAVO TV deserve to have a selection of clothing that includes shirts that would actually fit.  Think about it.  We're watching TV.  We're not out jogging.  We're not at the gym.  We're not out back picking fresh vegetables from our garden.  We're sitting in our living room, watching your shows.  Lots of them. 

I am seriously going to send Andy an email regarding this urgent situation.  May even suggest he offer hoodies in pink.   What?  Can't hurt to ask.  (I know, I know. He may offer me  a suggestion - go for a jog, hit the gym, eat more vegis.) 

What else can I complain about? 

Oh yeah.  My mother.

She has always been a weather fanatic.  If there's something brewing off the coast of Africa, she's shouting out orders to bring in her precious talavera.   If there's something going on in the gulf, she's tracking it to see where they will evacuate.  Her pantry, honestly, could feed a small village for a week.  (I'll take a picture.)  In her defense, she does have 47 people living there at any given moment.   Florida is currently having a tropical storm, Debby.  We're headed for North FL in a couple of days.  From what I can gather here in North Cackalacky, the storm is headed straight for North FL in a couple of days.   Spoke to her this morning and asked about the storm.  She didn't know anything about it.  Too busy watching friggen Mickey Mouse with the twins.  She had no idea there was a storm out there, let alone that it was headed straight toward them.  She assured me that she'll "try" to catch "Weather on the Ones" (whatever the hell that is) and get back to me.  Gee, thanks.

Once we do get to FL, I need to work (with the limited time I have) with one of the twins.  One of them has said his first word, "hi".  Need to work with the other one.  I taught Jason his first word.  And nobody's ever forgotten it.  "Shit".  What can I say other than I was a wise ass 16 year old and thought it'd be funny.  And it was.  He was one of the cutest babies ever, and to hear that word come out of his little mouth was just...precious.  It was more like "thit", but we all knew what he meant.  Then he'd laugh and laugh.   Ahh the memories.

This is cool!  When Jason turned one, I was working my first job and bought him a pair of denim Calvin Klein overalls.  My mom and Nelson were so touched that they took him to have a professional picture taken of him wearing them.  Well, I will be meeting the twins for the for time and can't just show up empty handed.  Yesterday I found CK onesies - five in a pack.  Got two packs and every one is different!

So I think it's only fitting that I teach Silas his first word.  

I guess I shouldn't bad mouth and/or give Ingrid such a hard time any more.

"Shouldn't" being the key word.  Old habits die hard.

Came home the other day to find a huge package on my front stoop.  It was from Ingrid.  Ripped open the box and found a pink beach chair, pink and green beach bags (one big, one small), a pink and green towel and a pink and green beach mat!!!!  Talk about a great surprise!  Especially because we are going to my mom's for a week next week and plan on spending lotsa time on the beach! 

Thank you, Ingy!!

Before I received this I was gonna post about the fact that you hate it when people tell you I'm funny.  A certain friend of yours read my blog and said I should write for a living and you threw up a little in your mouth.  Then, a week later, you texted me that So and So thinks I'm soooooo funny.  You ended the text with "gag me".  Look, as I texted you, we're both OK looking.  But you're skinny.  Give me funny. 

Oh I see posted it after I received the gift.  My bad.

And BTW - this is not the only surprise I received recently.  A certain friend, our friendship is even older than Ingrid's and mine, sent me the movie "The Princess Bride" because I had mentioned on FB that I have never seen it.  Again, a very nice surprise.  I normally don't make fun of this friend because, really, our relationship is a more mature one than that of Ingrid's and mine.  I can't remember this friend ever whipping an undewrwire bra at me and giving me a black eye.  But I really think, in all fairness, I must say this.  This friend recently started a blog of her own.  It's going to be a great blog!  But I did notice one small typo and thought I owed it to her to point it out to her.  ESPECIALLY SINCE SHE SPELLED HER NAME WRONG.  McCauley has TWO c's, Steph.  

it'sawonderIhaveanyfriendsatall,especiallythetypewhosendrandompresents-irealizethat

Oh, and don't even get me started on our new friend, Marcia, who brings us stuff all the time.

A rose by any other name is still something...

Water is water. Well, that's not exactly true. You cannot compare Lake Powhatan (Asheville) to the ocean. But when you're in a pool, relaxing on a float, who cares what type of pool you're in? I realize that I talk a lot about my $179 BIG LOTS pool, but some of you seem like you're on the fence as to whether or not to buy one. I say DO IT! Brady is mad he can't get in, but I'm not sure he realizes it's water. He whines because he wants to be close to me. He gets even by leaving a nice big steamy hot present as close to the pool as he can get just as I get settled on the float. Getting settled on a float is not easy OR pretty. He waits until I get all situated then does his business. Of course I have to get out and take care of it and I swear I think he's giggling. He's going to Gramma and Grampa's next week and will have week of pool play with cousin Buddha. Speaking of Buddha...some of you know that Robin is studying Buddhism. She took vows a few weeks ago and as a result, has given up smoking. She used to smoke three packs a day in Miami and now doesn't even think about them (much). She tried everything - patches, gum, hypnotism, accupuncture - and all it took was taking Buddhism vows to make her stop. Having a nice summer this year, even though today's officially the first day of summer. Once home from visiting the family, it's time to put my nose to the grindstone and find a job. Applied for something today that I am dying for. Not much going on. Have a new favorite thing, thanks to Frank. "Blue Diamond" salt and vinegar almonds...may have to take some vows of my own to get over these. Hope you all have a Very Happy Summer ~ make some memories!

Thank you! Wait!!!!! What?

Robin has a super long day today.  Had to go to Winston Salem, which is about two and a half hours away.  Knowing that I'd get all my crap done early and spend the rest of the day feeling guilty (not really)  floating in my pool, I promised her a good dinner when she got home.  She requested meatloaf.  Great!  Something I could make in advance and we love the leftovers.

I went to the grocery store thinking all I needed was green beans (side dish) and ground turkey.  As I was perusing the meat, the butcher came out and said, "Look at your tan!"  I instinctively said, "Thank you."  Then he started talking about the tanning bed lady who allegedly made her child tan in a bed with her.  WAIT!  Was he comparing me to her?  At first I thought that I shouldn't have said 'thank you' because clearly it was not meant as a compliment.  Then he started talking about time shares and turkey legs and widows and oranges, and I decided he was crazy, so I wouldn't read too much into it.

(That reminds me of a time in college when a friend of mine got her hair cut.  Someone said, "You got your hair cut" and she said, "Thank you"  and I said, "Why are you thanking her?  It's not like she said it looked good."  That was so nice of me.)
Got home from the grocery store and realized that I'd forgotten about half of the things that I normally put in my meatloaf.  So I improvised.  I made (not  followed a recipe) a Jalapeno Cheddar Cheese Meatloaf.  It's gonna be really good or really bad.  Robin always orders jalapeno cheeseburgers when we go out, so how bad can a JCC meatloaf be? (I named it, thinking positively, that she's gonna love it and will be requesting my JCC meatloaf for years and years to come.)

Speaking of going out...last night, spur of the moment, my friend Camille (formerly known as Fran, which is not her real name either but she complained that if I make up a name for her, she ought to be able to at least pick it out.  She picked Camille.  Her husband, Frank, didn't complain about his fake name, so for now, he's still Frank) called to see if I wanted to go to Main Street for $5 martinis.  The Main Street here is adorable and very trendy.  Robin assumed she was invited, so Camille and Frank and Robin and I went to a place called "Never Blue".  Sat outside and it was a lovely evening.  Except for the service.  The waitress we had was awful.  Ignored us basically and it was not busy.   Camille and Frank are from Charleston and are true southerners.  I believe I witnessed my first southern belle saying a big eff you without the recipient realizing what had been said.  They're known for doing that, you know.  The waitress finally came over and Camille said, "Are y'all short staffed tonight?"  Ouch!  What a talent!   

Contrary to a southern eff you...I swear to God on my dogs' lives this just happened.  Robin called to say that they're kinda lost but should be there soon and she'd be turning her phone off during the meeting.  Her boss' name is Jody and he is driving.  She said, with him sitting right there, "We're coming home right after the meeting.  I told Jody that if someone asks us to go eat or go here or go there after the meeting and he said "yes", I would stomp on his nuts."

I've said this 1000 times and I'll say it again, anyone who knows Robin, knows why I drink.  Everyone agress...bless her heart.

Happy Birthday, Ivis!

Today is Iris' birthday.  Robin asked her, "What are you 94?  95?" 

No response.

When they were here the other day, we gave her her gift.  I figured maybe I'd make dinner for her tonight.  Would much rather have them here than go over there.  First of all, Joe keeps the air on 80.  Secondly, there is a ceiling fan in their kitchen, but she can't use it if she's cooking because it blows out the flame on the stove.  Thirdly, it's waaaaay too quiet.  If we're not talking, you can literally hear the clock ticking.  Worse, you can hear everyone chewing when we're eating and I hate that.  Then there's always the begging to play dominoes.

Well I don't have to worry about what to make because as they were leaving Joe said, "Vednesday is my vife's birthday.  My vife loves "Asiana".  You'll come.  Ve pick you up at five."  Then they left and, as always,  I watched him pull out of the driveway.  In his defense, the driveway is a little tricky.  Our friend, as I mentioned before, plowed over our mailbox when leaving the other day.  Her car has a nice little boo-boo on it and she consideres it totalled.  Her husband told us we owe them $30,000 because they're gonna have to get a new car now.  And Robin can barely make it out, too.  But in her defense, we've only lived here for almost two years.  I personally have it mastered and love to back out as fast as I can.  Call me a show off.  But Joe takes the cake.  Takes him about 15 minutes to get out of the driveway and meanwhile, the traffic backs up.  Tried to get a picture the other day but couldn't get my camera to turn on.  Next time.

I am not picky about restaurants.  If I don't like them the first time, I always will give them a second chance.  But there are two places here that I do not like.  "Asiana" is one of them.  It's an upscale Chinese buffet.  Chinese is my least favorite food.  I don't even think Iris likes it that much, but Joe certainly does.  Not sure why, because he could literally eat a piece of bread and be done.  But that's where we're going and it will be fine.

The main thing I am dreading is Joe's driving.  He has a Jag and doesn't know how to drive it.  Plus he doesn't know how to work the air.  Plus he speeds like a demon and ignores all traffic signs.  I told Robin I am dreading the 30 minute drive.  She tooks Buddhist vows last week and one of them is to always be truthful.  She said that we could just meet them there and I asked what would our reason be.  "The truth.  Joe's driving makes Kim sick."  Obviously we can't say that.  Buddhism should have a loophole for little white lies. 

These Buddhist vows and classes have really been good for Robin.  But I have to admit that once in a while I ask her to set them aside for five minutes and be the old Robin.  We had a situation recently where I was really upset and uncomfortable with someone and she was all zen like.  Really pissed me off.  The old Robin would have been right there with me, venting and complaining and so on.  JuBu was like, "Kim, you're gonna just have to let it go."   So then I turned my anger on her.

Back to tonight.  In addition to drive, I am also dreading the fact that Iris takes forever to eat.  And Robin is the opposite.  Robin will shovel down her food and then leave to go outside to smoke, leaving me there alone with them, which is fine, but they bitch at ME over the fact that Robin smokes too much.  This happens every single time. 

The drive home will be the worst part.  Iris will want to take the scenic way, which is twice as long.  Twice as long in a hot backseat, full of greasy Chinese food, smelling like greasy Chinese food, and praying to God that I don't throw up. 

Once we're home, we'll be glad we went.  Plus you never know whether or not this is someone's last birthday.  Especially when they're 94 or 95.

"Getting to KNOOOOW you"

We all know this song...

"Getting to know you...Getting to know all about you...Getting to like you...Getting to hope you like me."

Some people you never remember meeting.  They've just always been there.  Your parents,  older siblings, Steph Paulin, Ingrid.  You get the gist.

Then there are people who you do remember meeting for the first time.  College friends, co-workers, future and ex partners,  Iris and Joe (I was terrified).  It's usually nice to meet new people.  That's what I'm kind of experiencing now.  Have met some great people in the last year, and so far so good.

You decide whether or not these new people are worth having in your life.  Most are, in my opinion.  Haven't really met too many people right off the bat who I wouldn't at least give a chance.

Then there's the next level.  How far do you want to let them in?  This is where is can be great and wonderful or tricky and hurtful.  Had an experience last year where it didn't turn out well.  We were getting close with a particular person and it went south really fast, mostly because it involved the heathens.  Went our separate ways and there are no hard feelings (on my part anyway).

Robin has met some very very nice people through her meditations and Buddha classes.  I, too, have become quite chummy with a few of them. 

But I must say I am at a crossroads with one of them right now.  I will call her "Fran".  Her husband, who I will call "Frank", can do no wrong.  He put up our pool.  Fran, however, can and does do wrong.  Oh so wrong.

Iris and Joe came over this past weekend to do a few home repairs.  I am home 99.9% of the time, but after last summer and a few death threats, not to mention divorce threats, Robin insists on being here when they come over.  She  refuses to leave me alone with them and I love her for that.  Now that we have some other peeps in our lives, I suggested that she invite Fran over too.   Joe would certainly be on better behavior if a new person, a buffer if you will, is around.  She was happy to oblige.

So Joe was fixing our back door and Iris and Robin and Fran and I were sitting on the back porch.  Joe can't hear, so he didn't know what we were talking about.  We started talking about babies which led to talking about menopause.  Robin refuses to admit that at the age of 51 she needs to face it.  I welcome it.  Can't wait, in fact.  Fran asked me a few questions.  Won't bore you with the details, but if you really want to know, message me.  Be glad to fill you in.       

Fran then asked me if I am experiencing hot flashes.  No.  She then announced that when she started having hot flashes, her doctor recommended using "wild yam lotion".  Makes sense.  I saw "Sex and the City II".  I saw what Samantha went through when she wasn't allowed to take her hormone replacement pills on vacation.  She read up on natural remedies and went crazy with the wild yams.

Then it happened.  They say you cannot unring a bell, and you really can't.  Fran told us, "You knooow...  That wild yam lotion is meant to be used all over."

I said, "Yeahhhhhh...."  And looked at her like duhhhhh.

"Well.  I didn't know that and just used it (looooooooong pause), um, ...."

And Iris piped in, "South of the equator?"

Fran, "Yeah, I just used it south of the equator."

I am so happy that I never joined the masses who gave up their carb filled regular potatoes for sweet potatoes.  Now I'd have to give them up. 

Oh Fran.  I don't think this is gonna be a deal breaker, but I got me some thinking to do

If you don't like when I write raunchiness, STOP READING!

Four friends recently spent a long weekend at the beach.  To protect the (a-hem) innocent, I will call them Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha.

Getting ready for the beach the first day, Samantha proudly showed off her new bathing suit.  It was a cute one piece that looked like a two piece from the back.  It was held together by strings.  She turned around and her butt crack was showing, so we told her to tighten the strings.  Perfect.  Ass covered.

We got to the beach and someone noticed that her left boob had fallen out.  She got it back in place.  Fine.  A little later the right breast made an appearance.  After an hour of this Carrie asked what size this bathing suit was.  Six.  Carrie accused Samantha of buying it in the childrens' section.  Samantha started thinking that she may have. 

By the end of the day, Miranda and Charlotte went back to the condo.  Samantha convinced Carrie to stay on the beach a little longer and engage in one more "refreshment".  It wasn't hard to convince to Carrie to do so, plus it was flip time.  Carrie was lying on her stomach, propped up on her elbows when Samantha, who was standing directly in front of her, proudly announced, "I think I figured this damn bathing suit out!  Look!  My ass AND my boobs are in place!"  Carrie, who was at the exact perfect level for a scarring visual, said, "Yes but it's totally up your hoo-hoo and your pubes are hanging down to the sand.  Jesus!  Your could rake the beach with that thing!!!  One or two walks up and down the beach and you could save the tax payers some money.  Give me any good shells you find."

Later, Samantha said she was gonna throw the suit away and Carrie suggested that she just give it to a second grader.