Saturday, July 10, 2010

I love Iris and Joe with all my heart. I really do.


But they provide such excellent material to write about, I just can't help myself. Don't get me wrong. My own family provides equally funny and disturbing material, but there's a big difference...my mother reads this blog. Iris and Joe will never ever get a computer.

As I type this, Joe is doing a jigsaw puzzle. This is the third one he has started in two weeks. He spends endless hours on these things and never gets anywhere. Inevitably he says that there are pieces missing and he goes on to the next one. Poor Joe. Always buying puzzles with missing pieces.

We had a few minutes to kill this morning and Robin suggested we get a bagel. Joe was driving his Jag. He drives like a bat out of hell and yesterday he got a speeding ticket. So this morning he was driving around, looking for the bagel place, the entire time saying, "Vere is dis bagel you vant?" Robin told him and he stopped in front of the place, didn't park, just stopped, and told her to go get her bagel. Robin said, "Well where am I supposed to eat it? You won't let me eat in your car." Joe told her to eat it on a bench and we'd circle around until she was done. Robin changed her mind about the bagel.

Meanwhile, Iris is almost as bad of a backseat driver as I am. I'm worse. Today she told Joe as he turned down a street, "This is no good, Joe".

Joe: "IVIS! Stop telling me how to drive!!! I know how to drive!!! "

Iris: "Fine, Joe. I won't say another word. Get in an accident for all I care".

10 seconds later...

Iris: "JOOOOE??? Where do you think you're going? You're going the wrong way."

I used to joke around about spending time with Robin's parents as being like spending time with the Seinfelds. I was wrong. It is exactly like spending time with George's parents, Estell and Frank Costanza. Except that I'm the one screaming "SERENITY NOW". In my head, of course.

Joe just slammed his hands down and said, "That's it. Crazy people selling puzzles vith missing pieces. To hell vith it." He then dumped the whole thing in the garbage and I'm sure he'll start up the next one in about 47 seconds.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Uuuummmmmm....


Can somebody, anybody, please explain to me why nobody woke me up for my 100th birthday? 75th? Was there a surprise party for my 50th and I just don't remember it???

Oh yeah. That's right. I'm only (only - HA!) 45.

Then can somebody, anybody, please explain to me why I am looking forward to spending an evening helping Joe with his 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle?

Oy to the Vey!! (again)

Thursday, July 8, 2010

My Daily Post


Because Barb told me to post every day, I'm gonna try to post every day.

Still here in NC. Yesterday was Joe's 84th birthday. Today Iris asked me to check on the sheets in the dryer. See yesterday's post. Coincidence that it was his birthday yesterday and she washed their sheets today? You be the judge. (No, I did not look for a hole, thank you very little.)

When I checked on the sheets in the dryer, the above picture is what I saw when I opened the door.

You're welcome.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

OY!!!!!!!!


We're still in NC looking for a house. I miss the heathens terribly, but this will be the last time we leave them for a looooong time.

My dear friend, Barb, told me that the best blogs are those where the people post every day.

Woke up with this on my mind....

Last night Robin, Iris and I had a light dinner. Joe wasn't hungry. We started talking about Jewish traditions. No pork products. No cheese with meat. No milk. I knew all that. Then my mind started wondering...poor Iris...going through life without the occasional BLT? What would be the point?

I zoned back in and realized that Iris and Robin were talking about sex. Jewish sex. The Sabbath is from Friday night (sundown) until sundown on Saturday. Iris informed us that the Jews love their sex and from Friday night until Saturday night, it is the man's obligation to ... how do I put this ... do whatever it takes and for however long it takes to make the woman "happy". She went in to greater detail, but I managed to block it out of my mind.

(DEAR-GOD-PLEASE-LET-US-FIND-A-HOUSE-SOON)

THEN Robin couldn't just let it go. She had to ask about Jews having sex with a sheet between them. Yes,according to Iris, some Jewish people do that. They cut a hole in the sheet for the man's you-know-what. Something about it not being Kosher for the skin to touch.

Iris said that if we are still here on Sunday, we can drive around town to look at the sheets hanging on the clothes lines to compare hole sizes.

(DEAR-GOD-PLEASE-LET-US-FIND-A-HOUSE-SOON)

Thursday, July 1, 2010

House Hunting in Hendersonville











Through a realtor friend of our new NC BFF's, we found this house. We're on pins and needles waiting to hear if we're approved. It's a rental with the option to buy.

It's an old farm house, built in 1927, that is set on one acre. The heathens are gonna love it! We were told it was being renovated. I learned that 'renovated' is a subjective term. The house is totally gutted, but will be completed in five weeks. Supposedly. It's in the middle of nowhere and when we took Joe to see it last night, we got lost in a cornfield. No lie. The GPS lady was messing with us and we entered the corn field at dusk and came out the other side after dark. I was singing the tune from "Deliverance" the whole time. Iris didn't think it was funny.

Joe says everything seems to be top notch and Iris said the house "has good bones". (Speaking of bones, Robin and I just saw Joe in nothing but his underwear. Yet another visual I'll likely not shake soon.)

One of my favorite parts of the house is the upstairs. It has two rooms with alcoves and I think they're so cute. I want one as a room just for me...with my pink desk(s) and shelves and everything else. I can envision myself writing in this room, looking out of the window to see the puppies frolicking in the autumn leaves.

Robin is really asking for it.

I just typed a whole bunch of stuff with pix of the house we love. She keeps hounding me for the computer and made me lose it all.

As soon as Iris leaves the room, I'm gonna beat her up. Robin, that is, not Iris.

Anywho, I think there's a picture of the farm house in the other day's post.