Attention Deb & Ing....

If you think I was joking, you're wrong. I am starting with a nice picture. This is the best one. It all goes down hill from here. Gradually. I think you know what I mean.

To everyone else (all 12 of you), in the picture are Ingrid, me and Debbie. The following is what I sent my "friends" this morning....

Good Morning Bitches...

I am going to start writing shit about you on my blog. Don't know when, don't know what. But pictures will be involved, as well words.

It's ruffbeachday.blogspot.com

Sign in and become a fan. Not sure what you need to do, open a goggle account or something. It's free. Write comments and get involved.

If you don't, you WILL be sorry.

Share with your friends for extra points. (Ing - you have that non sense of humor skank friend of yours. Deb - you have clients).

Here's the thing. People get discovered on youtube every day. I will be discovered in the literary world via my blog. It's that simple.

Ta ta

See this?

It's my dental floss and has been missing for about two weeks. I carry some in my purse, so I had a back up. Don't want anyone thinking I haven't been flossing.

Can you see what appears to be dirt on my floss? It is dirt. Yesterday when I hung my new plant on the front porch, this little blue thing caught my eye from the flower bed below. My missing floss! But how did it get there?

When things like this happen, in a split second I have a decision to make. Blame Robin or the dogs. (The kitties do no wrong.) My mind went straight to Robin this time.

Me: "Why is my dental floss in the flower garden?"

Robin: "I used it to tie back some plants."

Me: "And then you just left it there?"

Robin: "I forgot."

Speaking of dental floss, she had an employee a few years ago who called in about once a week. Sometimes she was sick, sometimes her kid, sometimes her grandmother died for the 18th time. But the best excuse ever was the time when her husband tried to kill himself with dental floss. Strangulation, not hanging. It, uh, didn't work.

CANINE SLUMBER PAR-TAAAY!!!!

A few weeks ago, I suddenly awakened at about 2:20 a.m. and jumped out of bed. Jumped is cheerful sounding, but it can also be used to describe a reaction to being startled, concerned or suspicious. Robin asked what was going on and I said, "The dogs are up to something!"

Boy was that an understatement.

I wanna know who started this. I say Buddy. He is using his seniority lately to get away with stuff. I found him in 1999 and he was ruffly one year old. So he's now about 11-ish. On the other hand, any one of the heathens could be responsible for starting this. But they all played a roll. Notice no dogs are in the picture? They all participated in this massacre. When I came out of the bedroom, feathers were flying everywhere and all the dogs ran to their crates and beds.

What do you think I did? Yell? Scold? Cry?

I took a picture and went back to bed. The thought of sweeping started to cross my mind, but then I would be selfishly denying poor Robin the pleasure of seeing this winter wonderland in our living room. Reminds me of that other snow storm we had here. Think I'll try to find that picture, too, to see which was worse...the Storm of 2010 or the Storm of whatever Year it was.

Question...

If someone fed you goat, would you know it?

I'm looking down at my leftover Jamaican food from last night. The way they make their food, well it's almost unrecognizable. I wouldn't put it past Robin to order me goat and tell me it's chicken, just to sit back and watch.

I've eaten some and it does taste like chicken. It's good, but the more I think about it, I'm pushing my plate away. Good diet tip though.

I know times are tough, but still....

Yesterday, while working for Ivette (as opposed to working for Robin - ha ha - actually I have been working for her quite a bit lately), I received a phonecall from a unit owner. The washing machines and dryers in the condo are used by inserting a prepaid card. The machine depleted this woman's card by $2.00. She wanted to know if she could get a refund. Told her yes. What do I care? It's two bucks.

Later, I found out that every unit owner has to pay a $2.00 fee for their new cards. Oh no ... there are 196 units ... I will be receiving 196 phonecalls. Better charge my phone. I knew I'd hear back from the "lady", but didn't think the ruckus would start at 7:30 this morning!

Got a phonecall from the front desk. The lady was down there demanding her $2 back. I told the front desk gal to let me speak with the unit owner. She began SCREAMING AT ME over two dollars. And you have to imagine her screaming with "that accent".

I don't mean to brag, but I am really really good at customer service. My first job out of college was working as a customer service rep, no - wait - customer "relaaaaations" representative, for Kodak. Basically (back in the day, 100 years ago), you would take your film to the store, the lab would mix it up with someone else's pictures, you would get them back, and then you would call and scream at me. I did a good job, except for the time that I put someone on hold while I pretended to go look for her pictures. Meanwhile I had a very profound & fascinating conversation with a co-worker as to what we wanted for lunch. After agreeing to cheeseburgers, I picked up the phone and told the lady that I was very sorry, but I couldn't find her pictures and will look for them as more pictures were returned. I hadn't hit the hold button and she heard the whole thing. Whoopsy.

Back to this morning, I let the lady go on and on. Turns out, she wasn't ripped off two dollars, the card was actually defective. Oh no!!!!! So I had to call the laundry company to find out how to get a new card. Krista advised their cards are not defective and to tell the lady to wipe it off. Really, Krista? So now Krista is talking with her supervisor and will call me back in 10 minutes. That was an hour ago. I had to call the unit owner and advise her of this very complicated situation. Again more screaming. Oh and she hasn't done laundry in two weeks.

Stay tuned!

PS: Thank you so much Karen!!!!

I'm baaack!

Yesterday, while in the pool and "enjoying" the very loud techno music that drowned out our own music from our backyard neighbors, Robin announced that she had an errand to run. I kept asking where she was going and she wouldn't tell me. I had a funny feeling and asked how much this errand was going to cost. One dollar. Uh huh.

Some of you know about all the trouble we've had lately. We should not be spending money on frivolous things. The more I thought about what she was about to do, the madder I got. We've made a deal that I am charge of the money. If that's the case, how could she do this?

I had a feeling that she was going to get me an iPad. I have mentioned them once or twice, but honestly was not hinting. Not right now anyway. With everything going on in our lives and the uncertainty of it all, no way.

I came inside after she'd left. Checked Facebook and checked out the neighbors' website. Sure enough, "Tantra Party 05/23/10 starting at 11:00 a.m.". Oh boy. Hey! Home come we weren't invited to this one?

It began to suddenly pour, so I played on the computer a little. There was an article on AOL about a guy who went from having to move back in with his parents last year to having a book on the best sellers list this year. It started by him twittering funny things his grouchy father said. I started thinking about my blog. I secretly think they if people like Colbie Colait can be discovered on YouTube, maybe someone will discover my blog, advance me a bunch of money to write a book, and the rest will be history. I'll be sure to spend plenty of time in New York. Who will play me in the sitcom? This guy's book, BTW, is being made in to a sitcom.

So then I started rationaling. An iPad would actually be an investment in our future. I'd take it to our new home away from home. (Thank you, Steph!). I could write whenever and wherever I want! How have I lived without one of these for so long? Oh yeah. They haven't been around that long.

What was taking her so long? I want my iPad and I want it now! I called her. She was almost home. OK. Gotta act surprised. Can't seem like expected it. How spoiled brat like would that be?

She pulled in the driveway and got out of the car with a few bags in hand. I didn't see a white "Apple" bag, but it was probably just behind the others. She came in the house and told me to go in the kitchen with her. She dropped a bunch of bags on the counter. Food! She'd gone to some obscure restaurant and bought a bunch of crap that I can't eat. (Started getting serious about weight loss and exercise last week--doing really well, thank you.)

Although I was disappointed, I was more ashamed of myself for having gotten so caught up in the moment. Instant gratification is so temporary. Yeah, you're happy for the moment, but then what?

So we sat down to watch some tivo'd "Young & Restless". About a half an hour later, Robin went to her car to get her cigarettes. Wasn't really paying attention when she came back inside (probably checking FB). She called me into the kitchen, and there it was...my new iPad!

I have been playing with this thing all day. Have not moved from where I'm sitting since about noon. Brady is very upset that Mommy has something in her lap that isn't him. I'm not sure if I can download pictures, so that'll hafta wait.

I really love this thing! Robin told me it's a gift for all that we've been through lately and a thank you for sticking with her.

There was one string attached...I had to promise to get back to writing, even if just on my blog for now. So here I am.

Although we shouldn't have spent the money and soon the novelty will wear off, no guilt. After all, this is my future!