I passed!!!! (with flying colors, I might add)

We've all been there. That point in a relationship where one person will say, "If you love me, you'll _____."

That fill in the blank can be anything from "take out the trash" to "spend all of Saturday at my mother's house" to "crave Chinese for dinner" (again). ETC. Sometimes the blanks are serious, like "never speak of this again" to silly like "stick a cigarette in your ear and let me light it".

Or in my case, it could be, "GET THE EFFING WART FROM THE DOG OFF MY FOOT NNNNOOOOWWWW." Robin just went to take a little power nap and all of a sudden I heard screeching. Not blood curdling though. More like, well, she'd seen what appeared to be a wart from the dog between the sheets.

Bodi, our girl dog, has had a little wart like thing dangling from her front left elbow since she was born. Vets said it wasn't anything to worry about. I always figured that one day I would have it removed because she felt self conscious about it. That day hasn't come yet and I noticed that she'd been gnawing at it lately. We've had friends suggest we tie a string around it to cut off the blood supply and it would fall off. One friend even offered to do it (her brother had done it to himself, afterall) and we declined. Seemed so - barbaric.

So I was happy to just let nature take it's course to see if Bodi would chew it off herself.

Well, the thing did get smaller and smaller and I thought she just kinda drained it. Looked healthy enough for a deflated wart and I assumed all's well that ends well.

Until today. When Robin screeched. I ran in there and asked what the issue was. She'd thrown down the sheet and demanded, "WHAT'S THAT?" Clearly, I had no idea and said, "Doo doo?" Worth a shot. Robin went on to tell me that it's MY dog's effing wart and I needed to remove it at once. Not having my glasses on and assuming she knew what she was talking about, I put my hands over my mouth, threw up a little, backed up and said over and over, "I can't." She then reminded me of all the gross things she has retrieved, disposed of, wiped up, handled - blah blah blah - and I finally said, "FINE!!!!! Lemme go get my glasses." Came back, not without giving poor Bodi a filthy, "I've now gotta go in there and pick up YOUR wart, Prima Donna. Couldn't you have for once just acted like a dog and just eaten the damned thing??" look and walked toward the bed armed with paper towels, Chlorox Cleanup and Walmart bags. Got closer and closer and then I realized - it was merely a dried up jalapeno pepper. Picked it up and pretended to lick it and walked away.

Who was throwing up a little now?

You may be wondering why we had a jalapeno pepper in our bed. Not the point. My point is, I love Robin enough to pick up a would be dog wart. That's a beautiful line - may have to incorporate it in to our wedding vows - "I, Kim, love you, Robin, enough " ... you know the rest.

Since it's been almost six months since I last posted, I figured I'd catch up for a minute.

Let's see.  This morning I got up and cleaned out the freezer.  FYI - if there's ever a world wide boneless/skinless chicken breast shortage, I'm your girl.

Yesterday Robin and I spent the entire morning junking and came home empty handed.  That's a first!  So we went to Fresh Market and spent all the money we didn't spend on crap and bought some beautiful fresh shrimp.  Then we wound up having turkey and swiss sandwiches for dinner.

What else?  We're gonna bathe all the heathens today.  Supposed to be a beautiful day after a record breaking rainy summer.

I got a FITBIT last week and today I will get in 10,000 steps (for the first time since I put this thing on) if it kills me.

Seems like there was...oh yeah...I lost over 40 pounds, got a job and QUIT DRINKING since I last posted.  Noooooo stories there ----  

When did you lose your glam?

The other day, out of having nothing to do and all day to do it (I refuse to use the word 'boredom' because Marylu Henner recently said on "Anderson Cooper", "If you're bored, you're boring), I invented a little game to play with Ingrid.  I texted her asking her to share something she does in the privacy of her home that she wouldn't want anyone on earth to know.

She complied and then so did I.  Then she went again.

Last night I thought of something else.  I will share this one because it greatly reflects my class, elegance and sophistication.  I recently went through my Facebook friend list and unfriended some people who either I don't really even know, didn't like that much or who just bored me.  A few are on the fence right now.  One "friend" changes their FB profile picture a lot.  Like twice a day.  It annoys the bejesus out of me.  Keep them around just to love to hate.  Whenever they change it, I literally flick the screen.  I'm usually on my Kindle Fire and do this from my chair.

This is how the text went down:

Me:  Another thing I do  - whenever so and so changes their FB picture, I flick the screen.

Her:  ROFLMAO!!  I can see that too...in the brown chair...one leg thrown over the side, upper teeth pressing into lower lip.

Me:  OMG!  That's exactly how I'm sitting!!!

Her:  Hair pulled back.  Ratty slippers on.  It's burnt into my retina.

Me:  It's like I'm on a webcam!

A few months ago when she was here she called me on my cellphone first thing in the morning and asked me to come to the guest room.  Got in there (all the way from the living room) and she asked me, "Kim?  When did you lose your glam?" 

Offended, I have not let her forget this.  She recently asked for a list of some of my favorite make up and lotion and stuff like that.  Told her about Rapid Lash, Oil of Olay In Shower Body lotion, lip plumper and a few other things.  I let her know, under no uncertain terms, that although I shared a few faves, I draw the line at sharing my health and fitness tips with her.

Last night she pointed out that that vision of me in the chair, leg flung over, ratty slippers and hair up was the catalyst to that pertinent question..."When did you lose your glam?"

Sad to say, I get it now.

For you, Celeste & Jack

A friend of mine had to send her beloved dog to doggie heaven yesterday and it got me thinking about my own heathens. Started going through old pictures and came across this one. I've posted many of these types of pictures in the past. Probably a dozen or so. And I realized something.  After Bailey died five years ago, Buddy was our oldest dog. When we'd come home and find these disasters, I'd blame everybody except Buddy. By blaming, I mean I'd say, "Bodi? Did you do this?" or I'd look at Baxter and say, "Bad boy". And that was the end of it. Nobody ever suffered any consequences so it didn't really matter.  Buddy was never questioned.  But now that Perfect Dog Buddy has been gone for over a year, it dawned on me...this has not happened once since he's been gone!! Buddy!! You got us!!

Everyone loved that dog. Can't put my finger on it, (just like I can't put my finger on why (to me) Lisa Vanderpump looks way older than 52 - is it her hair? The way she dresses?) but Buddy just had "it".

The first time I had to put a dog down was in October of 1999. Sir Spankford Vahn Doolittle (a/k/a "Spanky") was my first pet as an adult. I had just moved from Orlando to Jacksonville to be with my girlfriend at the time. After having lots of friends in Orlando and going to just the two of us, I decided a puppy was in order. Well, that and a few chicken wings and a pitcher of beer. OK - two pitchers. This was before "google", so we got a newspaper and found someone who was selling cocker spaniels on the "west side". Some people say 'the west side is the best side' (of Jacksonville), but I'm not one of them. So we got to the trailer park, found the right trailer, and were invited inside. There must have been ten cocker spaniel puppies running around, each one cuter than the next. How would I ever choose? Then I saw him. My dog. He was sprawled out on the little air vent with the AC blowing back his little ears. It was love at first sight! His eyes said, "I'd love to show you more of me and how cute I am, but is it worth losing my spot?"

That dog was the light of my life for ten years.

We (new girlfriend and I) got Bailey when Spanky was about six years old. Bailey is a whole 'nother story. Swear we were mother/daughter in a former life. She took it very hard when Spanky died. My partner and I went away to visit friends in the country for a long weekend about a month after Spanky died. Bailey had been depressed. On the ride over, we discussed getting another dog from the shelter when we got home. We agreed it was time and it'd be good for Bailey.

The next morning I was telling my friend about it being time to get another dog. She said that there was a cute black stray who ran with a pack. Said he seemed very sweet and she wanted to keep him, but her husband put his foot down. Long story short, the dog showed up alone, I patted my thigh and said, "Here Buddy", and that's all she wrote. He was with me from 11/99 through 01/24/12.

There are many Buddy stories I could share, but my all time favorite is this: My partner at the time and I decided to take Bailey and Buddy to Jekyll Island, GA. We were the only ones on the beach for miles (except for the sand dollars of which there were hundreds). Decided to go to town one afternoon and took them for a ride (the dogs, not the sand dollars). Stopped at a gas station at a very busy intersection and my partner pumped the gas. I decided I wanted something from inside and when I got out of the car, Buddy escaped. He was running wildly all over the place and I was freaking out thinking that he'd be hit by a car. Strangers helped us corner him by a bread delivery truck. By the time I got close to the truck, Buddy had run up into the truck. I finally got to the truck just in time to see Buddy lift his leg on the driver. All I could see was pee running down the leg of his black polyester pants. He was very tall black man talking on a cell phone. As I slowly looked up and met his eyes he said to the other person on the phone, "Ima hafta let you go. A damn dog just peed all up my leg."

I'm sure I fumbled an apology, got Buddy in the car, and I went inside to get my stuff. I felt something piercing the top of my head and when I turned around, it was the bread man staring down at me. I tried to apologize and he gave me the "talk to the hand" wave.

So, my friend, as much as you're suffering today and the days to come, please know that one day you will be able to remember your Schatzi girl with more smiles than tears.

RIP Schatzi - and give smooches to Buddy, Bailey, Spanky and all the other puppies. We'll all be together one day. You'll see. And tell Mr. Buddy that his mommies know about all those dog beds and pillows.

~~~ THREE LITTLE PIGS ~~~

If you are a friend of mine on Facebook, you're probably tired of me talking about my dog, Baxter. If you're not a FB friend, Baxter has had some medical issues lately, but I am confident that he will be just fine.

2013 is, so far, just as I had hoped it would be. I have a positive attitude about this being a good year for Robin and me. She is about to start a new job and Baxter is good. I know there is a perfect job for me out there and I am anxious to find it. I have been working out on a regular basis and eating healthier. Until yesterday.

Baxter's specialist is about an hour and 20 minutes away. It's in South Carolina. In Florida, the most popular grocery store chain is Publix. There are no Publix stores in NC, but there SC has them. Other than Popeye's, Publix has the best fried chicken. There are no Popeye's in NC. So when I saw that there was a Publix on the way to the vet, my mind immediately went to fried chicken. It wasn't an impulse stop. I planned it. For a while. I told Robin I wanted to stop on the way home from the vet yesterday and get some chicken. She was all for it - at the time.

One thing you probably don't know about Robin is that her taste buds change on a daily basis. One day she hates chocolate, the next day she'll eat two candy bars. One day she can't handle spicy food, the next day she's putting half a bottle of hot sauce on macaroni and cheese.

But Robin's food swings would not stop me from getting my chicken. As we pulled in, she announced that she hates fried chicken, that we'd be getting it just for me. Yeah, soooo? I was half way to the entrance and she was still talking about hating chicken.

Got my box - looking back, I could have gotten just a piece or two - paid - got in the car. There was a McDonald's in the parking lot and I have always gotten my dogs a cheese burger after going to the vet. Told her to go there and order a burger with nothing on it for Baxter. Pulls up and orders that, plus a Number One. Asked her what she was doing, told me she was hungry, and asked if I wanted anything. Told her no, I had chicken.

Honestly - I kind of wanted a burger. And fries. But I had this box of chicken and there's no way I could have been such a pig. Well, that's not true. I so could have. But the chicken was bad enough and I am blowing my "plan" as it is. I did the responsible thing and ordered nothing. I had my chicken for when I got home.

She got the food and drove away from McDonald's. She stopped somewhere to eat. I wasn't paying attention because I was too busy breaking off Baxter's burger into small bites for him. Got done with him and noticed how good her fries smelled. Tried to ignore it and just cracked the window and looked out. I am bigger than those fries.

Then I noticed the smell of my fried chicken. Before I realized it I had a big ole chicken breast in my hand and was going to town on it. Little pieces of crunchy skin peppered my pale pink hoody, but I didn't care. It was so good - I hadn't had fried chicken in forever - I deserve this - been through so much with Baxter - this is comfort food and damn it, I need some comforting.

She was wolfing down a Big Mac and fries, Baxter had had his burger, and I was chomping like a savage on a piece of fried chicken. Looked up from my feeding frenzy and realized where we were. In the parking lot of a really nice and really big GYM.

The words SO WRONG don't begin to describe...

Now I am stuck with all this chicken that Robin won't help me eat. Oh well, today's a new day. It's Tuesday and maybe Robin will love fried chicken. And we do have a friend who never ever cooks, so maybe we'll give it to her. Yeah right. Who I am trying to fool?

Kim & Robin's Chicken Chop Chop

Here's exactly how we made this: Marinate three chickens breasts for an hour. Marinade: 1 Cup Fat Free Italian Dressing, 2 teaspoons lemon juice, 2 teaspoons honey. Cook chicken in marinade. Once cooked, cut up into little pieces. Cook a bag of yellow rice. Spoon chicken on rice and garnish with shredded lettuce (if you want), tomatoes (if you want), black beans (if you want), whatever. Then spoon the mustard curry sauce on top. Sauce: 2 tablespoons light mayo, 1 tablespoons mustard (to taste), 1 tablespoon curry (to taste), just a splash of water. Easy, healthy and really really good! Ours turned out every bit as well as that restaurant in Miami.

It's 01.12.13 ~~~

So we're well into double digits of the new year. Well, today is the 12th. Not exactly "well" into the new year, but still... I am still going strong with my resolutions of being way more active than I was last year and eating more fruits and vegetables. I could not possibly be any less active than I was last year. It seems like I spent 2012 playing "Words With Friends" and "Angry Birds". When tired of the mean birds, and caught up on WWF, I'd look at my e-mail. Repeat. It's a nice balance, all from my Kindle Fire. And don't even get me started on a little addiction called "Facebook"!!!!! But I promised myself that this year is gonna be different. Yes, I still am a WWF addict. And you don't need to be told that I spend A LOT of time on FB. I am proud to say I've reconnected with my treadmill and am walking outside some too. Eventually I will break out my Wii and DVDs. Keeping it moving. Today I felt guilty that I wasn't doing any intentional exercise, so I think I got my groove back. Woke up this morning with a Miami restaurant, "Chicken Kitchen", on my mind. Used to love it. I think their motto was "a healthy addiction". Googled it and found out how to make my favorite thing. It's called "chicken chop chop". It's basically grilled chicken breasts over yellow rice, with a mustard curry sauce. Robin also added black beans, tomato and lettuce to hers. I like mine plain. While I was googling that, something else was on my mind. (Oh, by the way, as I play WWF, AB, go on FB, etc., there's a TV on a lot. Not always, because I enjoy my music too, but I do watch more TV than I will ever admit.) The other day I saw something about the "Yonana". Kind of like yo mama, but different. You stick frozen bananas and whatever other type of fruit you want and voila, it's frozen yogurt. Or something. It's frozen fruit that goes in and comes out of a machine. But it's just fruit! I googled that and made the mistake of showing Robin. Within seven minutes she was showered and dressed and insisted that I get ready so we could go to Walmart to get a Yonana. Knowing it would be useless to suggest we wait, before I knew it, we were at Walmart. They don't sell it. I was kind of relieved, to be honest, because I had a feeling that that would have wound up in our next garage sale. Even posted about it on FB and the consensus was to step away from the Yonana. One of my FB friends went as far to suggest we make something similar in our blender. Called her for details and here's what...the fruit must be frozen. Our bananas are not, but we did have frozen strawberries and frozen blueberries. Throw them in the blender with a little milk, which we didn't have. But we did have French vanilla coffee creamer and used that instead. O.M.G.!!!! What a wonderful way to get some fruit in your diet! Frozen fruit is defintely gonna be a staple in this household from now on! I am proud of myself for basically getting back on track with healthier food choices and exercise. Plus it gives me something to write about on Facebook!

Maybe it's time to make fun of my own family instead of Robin's...

My mom and Nelson got a new car recently and are still trying to figure out all the bells and whistles. And Bluetooth. (As a little sidebar: whenever I'm on the phone with my mom and she has an appointment, say at 11:30 tomorrow, she will ineveitably tell me something like, "I have a dental appointment at 11:30 tomorrow and will be leaving the house at 11:10. It's only one and tree quarters miles from the house by way the crow flies, but it's takes about nine minutes to actually drive there. The appointment should take about a half an hour. That is if she's not behind schedule. You never know. I'll be going to Publix after that. They have BOGO Hellmann's this week. Oh, I forgot you don't have Publix up there in North Carolina. Anyway, if you need to reach me between 11:10 and say 2:00 or 2:15, call me on my cell.") Called them a little while ago. No answer. WHAT TO DO? WHAT TO DO? Oh wait. I know. I'll call the cell. "Hello?" "Hi. Where are you?" "Hello?" "HI! WHERE ARE YOU?" "Hello?" Click. A few minutes later, she calls yelling, "Hi - can you hear me?" "Yes - stop yelling!" "Hello?" "I can hear you!!!!" "Hello?" Click. A few minutes later... "HELLO!!!!" "Hi. We're still trying to figure out the Blu...." Click. A few minutes later... "Hello?" "Hi. Can you hear me?" "Yes." "OK. Good. We're trying to figure out how to work the Bluetooth." "REALLY!!!!!" "Yes. We're at Publix waiting for Nelson to use the bathroom. Second time today. All that water he drinks." "That's nice." Silence. "Hello?" "Hello. Can you hear me? Are you there?" "Unfortunately, I am." "OK. Well I'll let you go." "OK. I love. Oh - by the way - I will call you a little later than usual tomorrow. Want to try to sleep in." "We sleep in til 6:30 nowadays." "That's good. OK. Bye. I love." "Bye. I love." Then I hear... "How do you turn this thing off?" "Press the button." "I am pressing the button. What button?" "That one over there." "This one?" I couldn't resist, so very loudly I yelled, "JUST PRESS THE DAMN BUTTON ALREADY!!" "OH MY GOD ~ YOU'RE STILL HERE???" "I am. Good thing you didn't say anything bad about me." "We're still trying to figure out how..." Click.

Hello 2013!

I have very strong optimistic feelings about the new year!

The holidays went by too quickly.  We went to Ormond by the Sea (FL) to visit my family.  It's an eight hour drive and we took Brady and Maxx.  About two hours away from my parents' house, the dogs needed to go for a walk.  It was around noon.  We were hungry, but I didn't want to eat too much.  Then we saw a "Krystal's" (burgers - little ones) and I wanted to get two.  We stopped.  We walked.  We ate.

We shouldn't have eaten.

As we were approaching the exit to my mom's, I started not feeling well.  Bad stomach ache.  We got there and before I could say, "Brady! Don't jump in the  ____!!, "  Brady had jumped in the pool.  Got him as dried off as possible and we all sat down to visit.  Within an hour, I announced that I had to go lie down.  Did so and my face and neck practically caught fire.  Red patches galore!!!  Whatever the pillow case had been washed with, I was allergic.  ( I am very sensitive.)  Soon it was trip after trip to the bathroom.  (Both ends - you're welcome.)  I think I threw up somewhere between 21 and 24 times.  (Didn't keep track of the other end.)

After anticipating and being excited for this trip for months, I was in bed by 4:00 p.m.  I prayed that I would wake up feeling better and that nobody else would get it. 

Thank you for answered prayers!

The rest of the vacay was great!  My twin nephews are ten months old now.  Robin and I have extra lines in our faces after spending five days of doing anything to get them to smile and laugh!!  It's amazing how similar and yet different they are. 

Saying bye to my mom SUCKS.  'Nuff said...

Made it home safely, albeit Robin  came home with the flu, which she is just now getting over.  Had a quiet NYE and spent New Year's Day with friends.

Baxter's scheduled for surgery this coming Monday.  Been very stressful praying that his rectum doesn't prolapse again.  Poor Lil Shawty Got Low.  :/

I made the resolution of eating better and exercising more.  How original!!  God, I'm clever.  And interesting.  But I've been doing well.  Today is the fourth and I have worked out 4/4 days.  Sure I'd love an elbow massaging my ass or a small person to walk on it, but I've GOT this.

The only bad thing so far is - right now Robin and I are mad at each other.  I was feeding the dogs at 6:00 tonight and she disappeared.  I looked for her all over the estate.  It was dusk and I thought maybe she'd gone down to get the mail and a big truck sped by and hit her and she was dead in the neighbor's yard.  So I made a cocktail and waited.

After a minute I really did begin to panic a little (pretty sure that to panic a little is an oxymoron).  I had shouted downstairs before - no response.  This time I went down there.  There she was, meditating with earplugs on.  I said some colorful and not nice things and she said, "What?  I was meditating."

"I thought you were dead in the neighbor's yard."

"Did you go look?"

"Not the point.  You don't just disappear!"

"I told you I was going downstairs to meditate."

"You did not."

"Yes.  When you were feeding the dogs."

When it's dinner time around here, it's like a very loud crazy person circus.  Brady jumps up and down on all fours and Baxter runs around while I say, "No food for you".  It's a game we've played for years.  It's a very noisy time in this house.

Robin should know that if she had said anything to me, there was no way I would have heard it.

I'm mad at her for making me think she was dead and she's mad at me too.  Apparently one shouldn't be cursed at while one is meditating. 

Details.