Weekend Highlights

Our friend, Tina, the one who gave me all the ham and now refers to herself as "The Hamster" (I need new friends) has lived here for eight years and has never been to Asheville.  So we took her on an adventure yesterday.  We picked her up at 8:30 and hit a few garage sales before my 9:30 nail appointment.  They dropped me off and went to a flea market down the street.  Tina bought a Michael McDonald CD for fifty cents and we had to listen to that all day.  They picked me up at 10:30 and off we went.

A couple weeks ago, someone had told Robin about the Asheville Farmers Market.  We actually went to it on Friday and got some tomato and pepper plants.  Also got some of the best cheese ever (Amish Jalapeno Pepper.)  I googled the market at around 3:30 on Friday while Robin was napping.  Closes daily at 5:00.  If we left immediately, we'd have an hour there.  As I was googling, Iris called to see what we were doing.  When I told her, she said things like, "Why do you have to go to Asheville to get plants?"  and "Lowe's has tomato plants and they're guaranteed.  I bet those Asheville plants aren't guaranteed."

Iris hates Asheville and I don't know why.

I could be wrong, but I think I have Iris figured out.  If she doesn't like something or some place, we are not supposed to like it either.  And it really pisses her off when we do.  There are a handful of restaurants, the German one included, which is my favorite, that she has practically forbidden us to frequent.  There's an Irish pub in town called "Hannah Flannigan's".  "Never go to "Hannah Flannigan's" on St. Patrick's Day," she tells us whenever we go by there,  "You'll never get in".  Guess  where WE were on March 17th?   We have hit every single place that she hates and make a point of telling her how much we loved it.  Even if we didn't.  It's just a satisfying little game I like to play and it appears Robin is now on board too.  See next paragraph.

After hanging up with Iris on Friday, Robin came out and asked who was on the phone.  Told her the gist of the conversation and she grabbed her car keys.  "Let's go to the farmers market".  When we got home, before Iris and Joe left for Temple, Robin had to call and tell her how fabulous it was.

So we took Tina there yesterday.  She loved it too and we all bought cheese.  And dog biscuits.   Left there and went to "Mellow Mushroom" for lunch.  Hit up a few shops (just looked, thank you) and then went to some thrift stores.  Tina, who is a very excitable person, is going on vacation in a week and was beyond thrilled to have gotten some clothes for her trip.  I still have the words, "I CAN'T BELIEVE I GOT THIS BLACK DRESS FOR TWO DOLLARS!!!!!  THE TAG SAID FOUR DOLLARS, BUT IT RANG UP TWO DOLLARS.  TWO DOLLARS!!!!!!  I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!  TWO DOLLARS FOR A BRAND NEW BLACK DRESS.  LOOKS GREAT ON ME TOO!  I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA PAY FOUR DOLLARS, AND I WOULD HAVE TOO, BUT IT RANG UP TWO DOLLARS.  TWO DOLLARS FOR A NICE DRESS THAT LOOKS GREAT ON ME!  I'M GONNA WEAR IT OUT TO DINNER ON THE BEACH.  TWO DOLLARS!  I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!!!" echoing in my head.

While I tried on something (that didn't fit), Robin got in some trouble with an old Mexican man.  When I caught up with her and Tina, they were literally doubled up with laughter.  Robin had been holding a shirt on a coat hanger and walked by the man.  He was wearing a mesh basketball shirt and the coat hanger, unbeknownst
to Robin, got caught in one of the little holes.  She kept walking and the hole got bigger and bigger.  The man started yelling at her in Spanish and Robin just laughed.  Tina was a big help, "HERE, TAKE A QUARTER AND GET YOURSELF ANOTHER SHIRT.  WE'RE IN A THRIFT STORE.  TAKE THIS QUARTER AND GET A NEW SHIRT.  YOU CAN BUY A SHIRT FOR A QUARTER IN A THRIFT STORE.  HERE'S A QUARTER.  GO GET ANOTHER SHIRT."

I walked right by them pretending I didn't know them.

The rest of the afternoon was uneventful.  I know what you're thinking.  Like the above was eventful? 

When we got home, however, I did receive an exciting email.  A few weeks ago, I read a book by an author named Lisa Lutz.  I had to google her.  For some reason, she struck me as approachable so I sent her an email.  Told her about the type of stuff I write about and sent her my query letter that I've been sending out.  She wrote back yesterday with some good, albeit somewhat discouraging, advice.  Won't bore you (why stop now?) with the details.  Point is, she wrote back.  She was on the NY Times best seller list - funny funny writer.  I will say that she told me that unless you're famous or have an MFA, which Robin's smarty pants niece is working on, chances are I'm not gonna be too successful selling a memoir.  We'll see about that, Lisa Lutz.

I also hit up ELLEN for help.  She must be working hard on it because I haven't heard back yet. 

Today we were supposed to put a roast in the crockpot and go to the lake.  I woke up at 6:45 to find Robin not in bed.  Went to the kitchen and found a note, "Dear Boo.  I woke up at 3:45 violently vomiting.  Also had shooting pains in my arms and chest.  I may have been having a heart attack.  Let me sleep in."

My first thought was thank God she hasn't eaten any of Tina's outdated ham.  I have been called an idiot for eating that ham for the past three days.  It's fine.  It was just a little outdated.  What's a little outdatedness on ten cent ham?

Iris just called to check on Robin. 

I:  "What do you think it is?"

Me:  "A bug."

I:  "Do you think it's something she ate?"

Me:  "I think it's a bug."

I:  "She told me last night she was going to take a Unisom.  Do you think that's what it is?

Me:  "I think it's a bug."

I:  "She doesn't wash her hands enough.  She needs to have some Purell on her desk at all times.  I wonder if she caught a bug from someone?"

Me:  "Probably."

I:  "Should you take her to the emergency room?

Me:  "No."

I:  "OK.  Well call me later.  She probably just has a bug."

My mother just called to see how she's doing and suggested I make her a ham sandwich for lunch.  Also told me she bought a bumper sticker yesterday, "I gave up drinking, smoking and sex.  It was the worst 15 minutes of my life."  Nice find, Mom.  Way to go.