The following events are true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. Or, in this case, the real people.
Robin's sister, "Gail", always makes their mother invite her best friend and her best friend's husband to the family functions. We'll call them "Scott and Mary". About an hour before we're all supposed to be at Joe and Iris' house (real names, but you knew that), Gail called Iris to say that Scott and Mary weren't coming because they were fighting. The table had been set since Wednesday and now Joe had to redo it since there were two fewer people coming.
The two old ladies, "Abby and Sharon" arrived right on time. Robin and I went outside to help them in. Abby's glasses fell off her head as she got out of the car. I picked them up and handed them to her. There was something on top of her ear that appeared to be a plastic part of her glasses. I pulled on it and her entire head of hair moved. It was really a bobby pin holding a wig in place. Oopsy!
Then we got the old gals inside and Joe was sputtering and resetting the table. Scott and Mary were coming afterall. Oh goody.
I went to the patio to look for a huge lizard that hangs out near their house (and to get away from everyone). Sharon came out there after me, took my hand, looked me straight in the eye, and asked, "How are you getting along?", as if I had a terminal disease or something. "Oh, I'm hanging in there, you know, one foot in front of the other". I had no idea what the hell she was talking about.
We were supposed to eat at 5:00. At 6:20, Gail, Scott and Mary show up. All three of them were as high as a kite. Mary walked in and yelled, "Better late than never!!!" while Scott entertained us about the Walmart pharmacist who didn't wash in hands after holding his pecker in his hands in the bathroom.
We finally sat down to eat and Scott immediately fell asleep. Mary kept yelling at him to open his effing eyes.
Abby spilled cranberry sauce all over herself and wanted to get up to clean it off. Sharon was blocking her in and refused to move. Then she started yelling at her for being so clumsy.
Someone tracked something in and the floor was a mess. This sent Joe into orbit.
But the grand finale of the entire day was when I was at the sink scraping food into the disposable. It was right before dessert. I was setting the turkey bones aside to throw into the garbage. Scott came up beside me, took a turkey bone, sucked it clean and then began scooping out the pumpkin pie with the bone and eating it. Repeat.
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