I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO CALL THIS CHAPTER

It really was our worst fight ever. And up until then, we fought A LOT, so this is saying something. BAD BAD fight. Surprised we made it through that period of our lives type of fight.

My parents didn’t visit us too often in Miami. My mom usually came down when we had garage sales. Said it was to help, but I really think she just wanted to see what I was selling that she had given me. My brothers came and helped us move a few times. But this time it was just my mom and Nelson and they were coming down to just relax and act like they were on vacation for a long weekend.

Vacation? Vacation from hell maybe.

The tension between Robin and me had been brewing for a while and on this particular Thursday in May of 2008, it was really starting to come to a head. Should I have told my parents to not come? Probably. They had seen us fight enough and that is why they didn’t visit as often as I would have liked. I figured the issue had been around for a long time and I could sweep it under the carpet for a few more days, so I didn’t tell them not to come.

I worked in the law office that day and came home and Robin had everything ready for when they arrived. They got there and after we unloaded all the groceries (excellent house guests – always bring soda, snacks, bagels – not to mention their own towels), clothes, and trinkets they brought us, we had dinner.

Although I was pissed, I think I faked it well. Looking back, I’m sure I did not. These were parents I’m fake smiling in front of, not just casual acquaintances. Nelson retired early and Robin followed him shortly thereafter. Wait. That didn’t come out right. Nelson went to bed and then Robin went to bed, her bed, after he did. They did not go to bed together. My mom and I sat up and chatted.

Then the text came through and verified everything I’d suspected for an entire year.

I felt like a volcano exxxxxxplooooding.

I am normally very easy going and have thick skin, but when I get mad, watch out town folk. This was not gonna be pretty.

Nelson got out of bed to see what was going on and so did Robin. As mad as I was inside, I was rather calm on the outside. Sure there was some yellage, but not what I would have thought. My parents got me as calmed down as I could possibly get and finally went to bed. Robin took a drive, came home, we fought some more and she finally just went to bed. It was all out there in the open now – nothing left to say or do.

There was no way I could sleep so I did what everyone does when they’re incredibly upset at 1:30 a.m.

I cleaned the bathroom.

I loved our little bungalow style house in Miami. The best room was the back yard. And the best piece of furniture was the pool. But the little house only had one bathroom and Nelson drinks one gallon of water every single day. (It really annoys my mother on Saturdays, which is “Kay Day”. They spend the morning garage saling and then have lunch out. Since Nelson got the kidney stones, he has been beyond diligent in getting his water in. Little science here: you drink a lot, you pee a lot. The every half hour pee stops really have put a wet blanket on Kay Day.)

I have a thing for Clorox. So much so that I have almost passed out many times by overusing the stuff. I am no dummy. I don’t use it in conjunction with other cleaners. I’ve heard the horror stories. But I am rather reckless with it. No gloves, no half water. Full strength bleach. My lungs, in addition to my clothes, have paid the dues, but I still “use”. Sure I start off with a bottle of Clorox Cleanup, but as I use that and make room in the bottle, I pour the full strength stuff in. Someday I will seek out Cloriholics Anonymous. But for now? For now I lead my life.

Took me a few near fainting spells, but somewhere along the way I learned to keep the bathroom door open when cleaning with the “stuff”. At around 1:30, Nelson had to use the bathroom and apologized for doing so. No biggie. I stepped aside.

He went back to bed and I finally scrubbed myself to a tired stupor. I went to bed too.

A mere four hours lately, I myself had to pee and got up to do so. My mother was waiting outside my bedroom door, just standing there, waiting. Scared the shit out of me.

“Where is Robin?” Her voice was kinda trembly and she looked, no offense, not so good.

“What?” I was barely awake and for a split second had forgotten how upset I was.

“Where is Robin!” Loudness.

“What is the matter with you?” I was now waking up and the events of the night before hit me like a brick.

“TELL ME WHERE SHE IS RIGHT THIS SECOND. WWWHHHEEERRREEE IIISSS SSSHHHEE???”. Jeez, Ma. Manic much?

“She’s asleep.”

“WWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHEEEEEERRRRRRREEEEEEE??????” Screamed in perfect Nancy Kerrigan fashion. (Remember when Tanya Harding had a hitman smash her knees? All the news kept showing was Nancy screaming, “WWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYY????”. THAT was good stuff. Forgive me if I insulted your intelligence by that explanation.)

“In there.”

My mother whipped open my bedroom door. By this time Robin (and the rest of the neighborhood, I’m sure) was awake. She quickly shut the door and you could see the weight lifting off her shoulders.

Nelson appeared from the guestroom.

I said, “Would you please tell me what’s going on?”

By this time, the four of us were standing, kind of huddled actually, in the small hallway outside my bedroom.

“Nelson saw you scouring the bathroom last night.”

“Yeah?”

“With bleach?????” Sounded like an accusing question. Objection!!!

“So whaaaaat?” Where the hell was this going? So what if I was cleaning the bedroom…wait a minute…no way…”What are you trying to say? MOM!!!! What?!”

“Well, we, he, no we just thought it was very strange that you would be on your hands and knees cleaning, cleaning with bleach, the bathroom after, after that fight you two had.” She could NOT look at me in the face.

“What are you trying to say?”

Robin squeezed through us to get a cigarette. Nelson just stared down. Can’t remember exactly what my mother was looking at but I know it wasn’t me.

“Tell me! “

Not a word from any one.

“YOU THINK I CHOPPED HER UP IN LITTLE PIECES AND WAS CLEANING UP THE MESS!!!”

“Well, it just seemed strange….”

“I CANNOT EFFFFFFFFING BELIEVE THIS!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?”

Should I have told them not to come that weekend? Probably. But it’s a good thing I didn’t. Because if your parents think that you are capable of chopping up somebody, you very well may be.

Good thing they were there.

Just sayin’.

How much water does one need to float?

More than I thought, that's for sure.

As many of you know, I have been having an on again off again relationship with my $179 Big Lots pool that we bought right after Memorial Day.  We were mostly on until we went to Florida for a week.  Came home to a very angry pool.  Green.  Green with anger, not green with jealousy.  Unless it was jealous that we went to Florida and didn't take it.  Some of the dogs were green, too, now that I think of it.

Shocked it, try to de-algae-i-cize it, did everything anyone would suggest.  Finally decided to call in the experts and quickly made friends with the "pool lady" a few miles away.  "Bring me a sample of your water, Honey, and maybe it won't cost ya nothing."

Yeah, right.

Grabbed an empty water bottle and filled it with the water.  Surprisingly, it was crystal clear.  The problem was the algae on the bottom.  Some of you are saying "duh" right now, but this is my first pool for which I am responsible.  In Miami, we had Pedro.  Pedro the pool boy.   Pedro the 85 year old pool boy.  I miss you, Ped.

So I don't bore everyone with every single detail, after many tries of different things, we finally just wound up draining the damn thing and starting over.  It drained rather quickly and obviously the water went all over the place.  Within minutes, the back yard was covered in worms.  Fat, long, ugly worms.  They shortly died (poor worms, I'm sorry) and then the dogs, of course, had to roll in them.  Especially Bodi, my only girl.  (This dog !  I swear - she is so sweet and pretty and feminine sometimes, but other times she is a pure hellion.)

The pool was almost empty and it was time to clean the bottom.  Not so bad.  Robin and I had raggy towels that we just kinda danced across the bottom.  Reminded me of Lucy and Ethel in the wine vat.  Then came the fun, I mean, hard part.  Robin got on the side of the pool to get it as flat as possible.  Guess I ought to mention that this is a rubber pool,  The sides go up (and down) as it fills with (and drains) water.  She was on her knees squeezing down the pool and my job was to sweep all the dirty algae water out.  Through her knees.  I had to use some force and she became instantly soaked.  The sheer pleasure I took in this exercise is so wrong.  And it was so obvious at the fun I was having.  "Wait!!!!  No!!!  I missed a spot over here."  And "Oh!  This is a tough patch!!"  I guess I shouldn't have laughed so hard when Robin opened her mouth to yell at me at the exact same time, you guessed it, SSSWIIIIIIISSSSSHHHHH.  

Finally got it as good as we were gonna get it and we started the eight hour long process of refilling it.  After an hour or so I had a great idea!  Who cares how much water is in there?  We can still float, right? 

We looked like complete idiots.  Here we where, lying on our floats in a pool with about two inches of water.  And no sides.  Two inches of water does nothing to raise the pool.  Not to mention keep a person afloat.  If somebody had stopped by and seen us, they probably would have thought that we were dead back there.  

But all's well that ends well and my $179 Big Lots pool and I are back on.

Today. Today I ate cheek.

Ever have one of those wonderful days where just everything is going swimmingly (yes, I said "swimmingly")?  Today was was of those days.  I followed up on a very promising job prospect and received fantastic news - no job yet, but we're making progress.  I sold some more crack and made a few bucks.  (Note to aforementioned potential employer:  It's not really crack.  It's an energy supplement, V3, that is wonderful.  Hook me up and we'll talk.)  Robin received an outstanding raise that is unheard of in this day and age.  Talked to a few good friends on the phone.  It was all good.

Then Robin told me she had to go to Asheville and asked me to meet her there for lunch.  Sure!  Her boss took her to a Mexican restaurant that she has been raving about.  Gave me the address and I got there first.  Thought I was in the wrong place because it was a Mexican convenience store that sold food on the side.  Called her and she assured me I was in the right spot.  Sat down and waited.  Couldn't even eavesdrop to kill time because not one person spoke English.  No big deal.   After all, I did live in Miami for a long time.  So I sat there and pretended that I was listening to the TV.

She finally showed up and said, "Isn't this great?"  I gave a half assed, "Uh huh," and we went to the man who stood behind the unlabeled food.  Hell, had it been labeled, I wouldn't have known what it was unless it said "pollo".  (That means chicken.) 

She asked him what a few things were and in very broken English, he answered.  I ordered something porklike and beans.  Then she pointed to something and I swear to God, he squenched his nose ever so slightly and gave the "white girl, don't do it" look and said something.  She said, "Excuse me?" and he repeated himself.  Whatever he was saying had a double E in the middle.  But this time he pointed to his cheek.  She looked at me and said, "Beef".  I said, "I think he said 'cheek' ".  Then she called me an idiot and ordered some.

Backing up a sec...when we lived in Miami, one of her favorite places was a Jamaican restaurant.  Never trusted her to go there without me for take out because God only knows what she'd order.  Ox tail, goat.  And you can't tell.

We sat down and started eating.  I tried the "beef" and it was good.  Had some more.  Then I saw him looking at us.    I stopped eating it and began wondering if he really had said "cheek".  Obssessed about it the whole way home and googled it the second I got here.

Yep.  I ate cheek today.  It's a delicacy, you know.  Look at the picture above.  Would you know it's not beef?  Actually reminded me of pot roast.  NOT THAT I WILL EVER EAT IT AGAIN.

While I'm at it, I will share another "isn't life great ~ only to hit the wall" moment that I recently exeperienced in Florida.  Had been to the beach, got hot and sweaty and sandy and icky (BUT NICE AND TAN) and came home and jumped in my mom's pool.  Floated around on a float, made a frozen margarita, hooked my nephew's boogie board up to my float and used it as a cocktail table. Was very relaxed and said something llike "I feel like we're at a Sandels Resort".

Ahhhhhhhhh.......

Then I looked up again to make sure a palm tree wasn't blocking my sun, only to find TWO RATS SCURRYING UP THE TREE.    Anyone who knows me well knows that I'd rather have a snake crawl up my leg than to even see a rat.  (And now I further get my point across that I'd rather eat cheek than to see a rat.  I think.)

I screamed bloody murder and my mom ran out to the "veranda" - it's called a patio, Mom. 

"What's the matter?  Are you OK?"

"YOU HAVE RATS, MOM.  RATS!!!!!!"

"Oh them.  There's a garbage dumpster on the other side of the cement wall.  They're just passing through."

How comforting. 

Wish I had a dollar for...

I wish I had a dollar for every time someone asked, "Which one is this?" and someone (Gramma or Grampa) would answer, "I dunno" in regard to the twins.

We went to visit my family last week for a week.  Met Skai and Silas for the first time and both Robin and I are smitten.  Got to spend lots of time with them.  We actually looked forward to feeding them while Gramma swiffered around to some "Hot Diggity" song on the "Mickey Mouse" show.  As much as she tried, my mother was not successful in getting us to dance with her.  (Also wish I had a dollar for every time Robin said, "I hate my life.")

The week went by too fast.  Went junking several days and one of my favorite things came right out of my mom's own garage - an old chandelier.  Shockingly enough, we also got in lots of beach and pool time.  Buddha and Brady, as always, played nonstop in the pool.  They played "who could get the white ball first" and Buddha cheats, just so you know.   Buddha stands on the stairs of the pool and swims to the ball and Brady stands outside of the pool and jumps for it.  One of the highlights of my week was when my mom was sitting on a ledge in the pool, trying not to get her hair (or makeup) wet, talking to Robin.  I was at the opposite end of the pool and her back was toward me.  I kept throwing the ball as close to her as I could get without hitting her, and Brady jumped in very time, making huge splashes!!!   Needless to stay, hair and makeup had to be redone.   (That's my gooooood booooooy!!!!!)

My mom's birthday was Monday and a friend of hers threw together an impromptu surprise party for her.  My mother figured it out and, of course, spent her birthday watching Robin and me clean her house.  (That's a total joke just to see if she's paying attention.)  A neighbor stopped by in the morning to drop off a gift.  I was in my PJ's with no make up on and I'm guessing my hair was in a pony tail.  (Safe guess because it always is.)  She stayed for about an hour and we talked about Asheville, jobs, dogs, etc.  She came to the party that night and I sat near her in the living room.  After a minute or two of small talk, she said, "And who are you related to?"  WTH!!!!  "I'm Kay's daughter, Kim."  She didn't recognize me with my hair combed and makeup on!!!!!  Talk about embarrassing!  Then, a lady walked in and I thought it was my mom's friend, Aida, and I ran (OK - walked) up and gave her a big hug and said, "HEY AIDA!!!!!  It's great to see you!!!!"

It wasn't Aida.   Another awkward moment.

Robin basically behaved well.  Until my mother forgot to buy her a "Chunky" bar.  Then she threw a tantrum.  She's still talking about it.  "If you asked Iris to buy you a "Chunky" bar, you'd get a "Chunky" bar.  Oy.

Speaking of Iris, today is Joe's birthday.   As a special birthday treat, we asked him to come over and hang our new old chandelier.  He said he's been waiting around all day, IN HIS BIRTHDAY SUIT,  for me to come over.  He 's pushing 90.  You're welcome for that visual.

And as I was wrapping this up, my mom called to see how much dog food I bought today.  I'd heard K-Mart was closing down and everything was 50% off.  Got up early to go stock up on animal supplies, only to come to realize that I'd been misinformed.  So I told her I am finishing writing about our trip and she said, "So this is the last time I'll ever speak to you?"  Told her I didn't say anything bad. 

See, Mom?  I would never announce to the thousands of people who read my blog (OK - the four of you) the fact that you........