I could easily be persuaded to do anything but study while in college, even canoeing. Canoeing is a sport, but it involves water and being in the sun, so it would be worth the effort. Besides, how hard could it really be? You sit and paddle a little. Big deal. I would be in the sun.
Florida Southern College had rules. A lot of them. One of them was no drinking and no alcohol on campus. I was 18 years old when the drinking age changed from 18 to 21. I was grandfathered in – THANK GOD! Until they officially announced the Grandfather Clause, I gotta admit, I was scared. Scared, anxious and depressed. I had been buying alcohol since I was 14 years old without difficulty, but this new stupid you need to be 21 years old to purchase alcohol law was going to change the alcohol buying process. Everyone and their brothers would start carding. Were you born before such and such a date signs were posted everywhere. Gone were the days of, “I’m sorry I left my ID at home but I swear I’m 21”. The store owners and cashiers were cracking down and if you weren’t 21 years old, you weren’t buying alcohol. Unless you were grandfathered in. Which I was. THANK GOD.
Betsy convinced me that we should go out in a canoe on Lake Hollingsworth. She didn’t have to ask me twice. She was a good studier and said that we could paddle out to the middle of the lake and then just chill out and study. She was bringing her books. I had planned on just bringing my walkman and of course a cooler full of beer, but decided to bring a book for good measure. A class book, not a book book. If she was going to study, so was I. Maybe. We’ll see. Probably not. Nah. Looking back, bringing that book was a stupid idea, but when you’re young and impressionable, you try to blend in. Even though I knew for sure that I would not be studying that afternoon, I brought the book to fit in.
You could get expelled from FSC for drinking on campus. Technically, being on Lake Hollingsworth in a canoe was being on campus, but we didn’t care. They wouldn’t find out. We didn’t really think about the fact that if Betsy got caught with alcohol, she could potentially lose her tennis scholarship. We didn’t think about getting caught and we certainly didn’t consider the consequences if we did get caught. So we got settled in to our canoe and paddled to the middle of the lake. It was a gorgeous sunny day in late April and I was basking in the warm sun on a lake, so that was like a double whammy – double reflection, double the sun. I was in front of the canoe and Betsy was in back. It was around 12:30 in the afternoon, so we had a good three hours of good sun in front of us. Three hours and 12 beers. Perfect. Wait! Not so perfect. Half those beers are hers. OK, three hours and six beers. I’d have to pace myself, but if she was studying, she wouldn’t drink six beers. She’d have three, maybe four beers, so I could have eight or nine beers. That’d be good.
Betsy was studying or reading or something and kept telling me to shush when I tried talking to her. The more I drank, the more I talked, and the more she shushed and the madder she got. Fine. I realized I had my walkman and decided to just relax and listen to Madonna. I put my headphones on and perched my little face up to the sun like a sunflower. This was the life! The April sun in Florida was the best. It was warm, but still not hot. I was in my glory. If I played my cards right, maybe I could hit a triple whammy and convince Betsy to take me tanning later. She had a car and I didn’t. She probably wouldn’t take me anywhere if I kept annoying her, so I decided to behave for a while and let her study.
“Li-ving in a material world and I am a material girl. Material. Ma-ter-i-a-lllll”. I was chair dancing. I was buzzed. I was getting tanner and tanner and if I played my cards right, Betsy would take me tanning later. “Material, material”.
I caught myself. Whoops. I was supposed to be quiet so she could study. I turned my head around to see if she had noticed. Huh? Betsy was submerged in water, all her books were gone (so were mine, but who cared?), the cooler was gone and within about 10 seconds, my walkman was gone too. There we were. Betsy, me and 10 empty beer cans floating amongst us.
“I was screaming at you to quit moving around but you had your headphones on so loud, you couldn’t hear me”, Betsy yelled.
The canoe had had slight leak in it and I guess when I start bouncing up and down, it started taking in water super fast.
We’d had to sign the canoe out from the dock. The dock was manned by fraternity of nerds, Lambda Chi’s. The canoe was totally under water, but we had managed to grab it before it sank to the bottom of the lake. Here came the Lambda Chi’s in a rescue boat.
“Shit! The beer cans. Sink them. Sink the beer cans! Hurry up. The nerds are coming.”
“Jesus Christ, Kim. How many beers did you drink?”, Betsy asked, half disgust, half awe.
“Half of them are yours. Sink faster. Hurry up”, I shouted.
“I’ve had two”, Betsy shot at me accusingly.
We managed to get all the cans filled and sunk just in time. Like I said before, these boys were nerds. And not the nice adorable nerds that are actually kind of cute and endearing. These were the type of nerds who would just love to report to the dean that they saved us and by the way, found ten empty beer cans amongst the ruins. That was a close call.
Two of the guys jumped out and got the canoe out from the water. They tipped it over and expected us to hop back in it. With there being no ladder, there was no way I was gonna hoist myself back in that thing. Just as I’m protesting getting back in the canoe, agile friggen Betsy just hopped in it. I hated her. So for the next few minutes, Betsy pulled and the nerds pushed and finally all of my being was plopped in the canoe.
Then I stood up and time stood still. The devil canoe tipped over. Was this really happening? There we were. Deja vue all over again. One of the genius nerds suggested that we just get on their boat and two of the guys would get the canoe back to the dock. Whatever. Wonder what time it is. Should I tan before or after dinner?
Show off Betsy lifted herself out of the water and on to the boat. I needed a ladder.
“Can you please put the ladder down?”, I asked.
“No ladder. Have to pull yourself up”, was the response I received.
“You know what? I think I’ll just swim back to the dock. Thanks for your help.” I turned to swim away.
“Afraid you can’t do that. No swimming in Lake Hollingsworth. Too much of a liability for the school what with all the water moccasins”.
“I can’t get in that boat,” I had to admit.
I could tell Betsy was feeling sorry for me.
“Here, Kimi. Let me help you. Give me your hands,” she said.
Betsy was pretty strong and pulled me out of the water. Well, Betsy and a nerd. No way one person could have gotten me out alone.
I didn’t realize what was happening. I was suspended in mid air for what seemed like an eternity. Everyone and everything was in slow motion. What was happening? Jeez, how much DID I drink? Then I noticed that everyone, every single nerd eyeball, including Betsy’s (no surprise there, I’d soon discover), was fixated on the same thing – MY GIGANTIC BOOBS THAT WERE EXPOSED TO THE WORLD. My bathing suit was strapless and I was currently topless. I somehow got myself in the boat and it was a silent ride back to the dock. Betsy couldn’t even look at me without that look of pity with the head cock and the pooched lower lip.
The Lambda Chi’s table in the cafeteria (aka “the caf”)was the very first table as you entered the caf. There were only a couple weeks of school left and I never entered the caf again that semester.
I lost 12 pounds.
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